Murder Me Kindly| H.S

12- Guarded

A.N: okay so there has been some confusion and I'd like to clear some things up. okay firstly carmen isn't black, she is Dominican and Japanese. secondly, people have been saying that harry only started to care the second that carmen almost died but that isn't true. like it was stated when it went to his POV for the first time he didn't understand anything. his reflex when it comes to emotions is to act like they aren't there. he literally said he constantly has to suppress a smile and all of that. so don't hate harry until you get the full story you guys, give him chance. okay, now happy reading.

Harry Styles

I don't know what's fucking wrong with me.

The way I've been acting lately has me questioning so much about myself.

One thing I know for sure is I hate being touched with a deep passion. Even as a kid I never liked it.

I never participated in tag at recess or anything for that matter. I'd just sit under the shade and take a nap usually.

Fun I know.

I don't even like shaking hands with people so why the actual fuck am I not repulsed when Carmen touches me?

When she touches me it makes me feel... nauseous? But in a good way? I don't fucking know how to explain it.

I just know that it doesn't bother me as it should. And that's pissing me off to an extreme extent.

Maybe I need some space from her.

But I can't even do that because I promised myself to try for once. To actually give enough of a damn about myself where I think I can be happy.

That I deserve it.

Do I think I deserve happiness? No, no I don't. But I'm a selfish son of a bitch so I don't care.

I mean what's gonna happen? Nothing.

Honestly, this is all an experiment. I'm simply just curious as to how other people get to live their life. How it feels to have friends; companionship.

Companionship... Yeah, that's why.

Being alone your whole life probably sounds miserable, and it is but after a while you become accustomed to the pain.

Like people who have diabetes have to insert insulin into their bodies with a needle every day. Obviously, at first, the little pinch from the needle will hurt but, after some time they don't even feel the needle anymore.

That's exactly what loneliness is like.

After some time you get used to staying in your room all day or eating dinner by yourself.

You just adapt. 

I prefer being alone actually. When alone I can think, relax, unwind, but around people don't get that luxury.

And I won't sugarcoat it either. If I want to be alone you have to get your ass out of I just simply leave.

At this point I just don't give a fuck, never have, never will.

Here's another thing I'm questioning, I haven't been alone in days. I was with Carmen while in the hospital and when we got back to the hotel we share a room.

And you want to know the issue with that? It doesn't even begin to bother me that I've constantly been sharing my space.

Fucking weird, I know.

But today is a day I'm the slightest bit excited for. Today I get to torture.

Zayn and the rest of the guys put Nathaniel, Vanessa, and that bartender in a warehouse that Derrel had set in stone for this.