Jasmine
Travis lays in my lap, as I hold back my thoughts. He's going through something right now. And it s more than just his friend and his sister.
I sigh as I brooch the topic. "What really bothering you?"
He slings his arm over his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I mean it isn't like you to be this upset about something like this. What's really bothering you?"
He sighs. "I guess it's just...what if she doesn't get better?"
"Your sister?"
He nods. "My whole life I've wanted to be just like her. Strong, and independent, smart and grown. I've always wanted to be just like her. But if she leaves...I'll have to be just like her. No, I'll have to be her."
I stroke his hair.
"It's not the same, I know we're all grown now. But I'm next in line. The next oldest. We still go to her to this day, yknow? Wes how do you do taxes? Wes, what do I do if I can't pee? Wes how do you know if I should go to the doctor?"
He frowns. "I can't do that. I don't...she always told me I would never be like her. And I thought it was a challenge. But I realize now, I don't want to be her. Hair gone grey from kids that aren't hers, never taking a break or day off. I don't want to the backbone of this family. I'm not strong enough—"
"Hey," I sigh. "Wes will be fine. You don't have to be her."
"I can't be me. There's seven of us. I can't even imagine the hole in our lives if she goes. We can't...we've never been able to survive with her. I can't do it. I know j can't. I can't support them, I can't help them, I don't know how do taxes or get stains our of shirts, or how to fix the toilet when it breaks—"
His voice breaks. I close my eyes. I want a drink. I wish I knew what to say. Or how to tell him that he'll be okay.
I'm not equipped to do this. But he always helps me. So I've got to try.
"You'll get closer," I whisper. "You can never fill the void of someone who's gone. But you can get closer and learn together. And knowing that you're trying your best, will be enough,"
He smiles. "I'm sorry to burden you. I just—"
"Hey, we're friends right?"
He moves his arm looking up at me. He tugs with his lip ring thoughtfully before answering.
"Yes of course. Speaking of which, enough about me. What's going on with you?"
"I set up an appointment for an abortion for next week," I blurt flinching. Hm...I guess it was that easy, huh?
He freezes before closing his eyes. "I'm sorry?"
Right. Well just get this over with. I've already made my decision, I just felt it was only decent to let him what it is.
"I have an appointment for Monday, to get an abortion," I repeat myself calmly.
He purses his lips. "You're pregnant?"
"Not for long,"
"But that would mean it's mine, wouldn't it?"
I contemplated lying. I don't what him to get on that high horse he gets on—
"Is it mine?" He asks again, sitting up.
I shrug. "Does it matter? I'm getting rid of it."
"What? Why? I...shouldn't we discuss this at least?"
"No. I made my decision. I'm getting rid of it. I don't have money, I'm not sober, and I...I don't want it. So I'm not gonna have it."
He licked his lips. "Do you...want me to go with you?"
I shake my head. "It's fine. I can go alone."
He looks away. "It is mine isn't it? Otherwise you wouldn't have told me."
I say nothing. "Do you...how do you feel?"
He shrugs. "You sound like you have your mind made up, you just wanted to let me know. Thank you for that."
I nod. "Least I can do."
"Can't convince you to keep it can I?"
"Why would you want to? According to you I'm an alcoholic with a stunted emotional age, and a toxic habit of not letting people in?"
"Well I only said you were alcoholic so the rest is coming from you."
I purse my lips. He's not wrong. I know that I'm not ready got a child. I know that.
"So you understand though?"
"I do. But I still...want it. But of course it's your choice. I'll support you. I just want you to know that I would prefer if we could keep it."
"We can't. I can't guarantee that I can stay sober for nine months. And again, I don't want a child. And you've got too much on your plate right now. It's best.
He swallows roughly. "I'm sorry," he says softly.
"For what?"
"I was irresponsible. It led to you having to make this decision."
"It wasn't just you. Takes two right? Maybe I missed a pill. Maybe a condom broke. Either way, we were careful."
He puts his arm around me, pulling me into a hug. "You did your best. It's alright you know?"
I nod softly. And even though I don't think I have any feelings for this fetus, tears roll down my face.
So I guess I do.
"It's alright, Miss. I'm sure it understands. And if one day, you're ready, your baby will thank you for being responsible and waiting until you can be the best person for them, yknow?"
I nod, and even though it's cliche, the burning in my chest lessens.
