Travis
Jasmine is self-loathing again and that typically leads to drinking. So she's spending every possible second with Roman instead.
And she's avoiding sleep, too.
"Look, look Roman! High five!" She holds her hand out grinning.
I love her. She's also very good with kids. She'll be a good mother.
But I noticed something today. She was taking a bath. And it's been a while 20 minutes maybe? So I went to check on her.
And she was underwater. All the way, eyes closed, body limp almost peaceful. And I shouted for her.
"Jasmine! Jasmine what are you doing?"
She opened her eyes, coming up inhaling deeply. "Taking a bath."
I just shook my head softly. She wasn't bathing. She was drowning. And the worst or maybe funniest part of it, is she completely denied it.
She said it was normal. She was just underwater. Then she said she was washing her hair.
And then she ignored me. But I think...I think Jasmine tried to drown herself today. I think she thought seriously about it, under that water.
I think I almost found her drowned in the bathtub this morning and now I can't...
Seem to—
Get the image out of my head. I did this. Took her from the alcohol. She uses it to keep afloat. I guess her body is heavy without it.
It's my fault. I told her that she should be better and I said that like it was easy, like there weren't consequences like she wasn't hiding for a reason.
She isn't a coward, but she's hiding from this whatever feeling or memory or whatever this is. She's hiding from it, and I told her...
I did. How was that my place? I shouldn't have. No the alcohol it isn't good for her, of course it's not but damn she almost looked happier before.
Now she's trying to stay afloat and she's not winning and I'm not helping. I don't know how.
I keep seeing her in that bathtub that she keeps pristine, sparking and white. And thinking, if I just poured her some wine...maybe she'd feel better.
But the dreams, keep coming back. And every dream she hates herself a little more. And every morning she keeps waking up and sighing and I know she dreamed of herself that night screaming.
She dreamed of herself and she hated herself. So what do I do? Do I pour her the drink? Because what if I'm wrong? Why if I do that, and I pour the drink and I kill the kid and it's still not what she needs?
And then she hates herself more. And she hates me. And she dies. And she lays at the bottom of a bathtub that Roman wouldn't even drown and just...not breathe.
Then that's on me. And of all things that are on me now, I don't want that.
I want her to be fixed and I know more than I want it she does. I can see it. It hurts her to just not be fixed, for it not to be right.
But I'm scared to say that. Because she doesn't really like it when people tell her the truth about herself.
And I just convinced her to marry me.
I love Jasmine. I think if she loved herself half, just half as much as I loved her she could have a glass of wine and it wouldn't be a problem.
"Travis?" She smiled.
"Yes, Miss?"
"You're lost in thought."
Because you got lost in a bathtub and I know it isn't deep enough for that.
"Yeah," I say simply.
"Everything okay?"
I nod. "I think so. Everything okay with you?"
She nodded. "Course."
"About the marriage, and the baby and the, everything. Are you sure that you're alright with everything because look, we don't have to do anything. That you don't want to."
I smile. "And I just like being near you. So if you're not ready for the baby or marriage it's okay."
She smiled.
"You don't want to marry me anymore?" She asked a
I get up, pulling at my shirt. It's hot. "No that's not it. I always I wanna marry you. But I think...maybe you need some space. Some time. Some relaxation maybe a dr—"
I pause. "Maybe a vacation. Yknow? This is all so stressful and sudden and I don't want you to do something you'll regret like—"
"Like what?"
"Like dying? I dunno I'm just throwing things out there." I pause, unbuttoning my shirt.
"Do you think Damon really committed suicide?"
I shrug. "I doubt it. He just doesn't want me to look for him."
She looks up at me. "Are you ever gonna check?"
I look away. "No. If he died what can I do about it? I've dealt with enough death this year so he's gonna have to wait."
She smiled. "I wonder how he did it?"
I frown. "Excuse me?"
"Well I just mean—this is dumb but drowning isn't that bad. Your body realizes there's not any air and it just shuts down. You just sleep. That's not bad."
I think I need help.
"Jasmine—"
"I mean I hope he didn't die. But I'm just saying if I had to choose...I'd definitely drown. It's peaceful. Just peaceful."
So I throw up on the floor and she starts yelling asking me what's wrong.
Because now I know she absolutely contemplated killing herself and when she's talking about it, about the peaceful surrender of death?
It's the happiest I've seen her.
