Nothing But Trouble

45/broken man

chapter 45: broken man
lucas kingston

        I didn't know how I ended up here. One moment I was in our living room, watching my mom comfort my dad with tears in her eyes, and now I was standing outside Blake's apartment. This was where I led myself when I went on autopilot mode. Right back to her.

        There was no warning when my eyes swelled with tears, not even a prickling sensation beforehand. It was the most natural bringing of tears. The human body knew when there was a loss it had suffered. Even if my mind was silent, refusing to process that my grandmother was gone, my body still knew we were in pain.

        I probably shouldn't have came here. It wasn't too late either, I could let myself into Uncle Tommy's and spend the night. Or the next couple of nights. Without her knowing I stopped by. I could be holed up in his apartment cleaning out his fridge. He was at my parents now. It was his and my dad's mother that had passed. I was 80% sure that he'd want me to finish off his food before it went bad.

        I felt my phone buzz again, but the vibration in my pocket wasn't registering. I didn't have enough energy to care about what was happening on my phone. My friends must've been trying to get in touch with me. I'd have to call them back when my brain didn't feel so blurry.

        The tears were dripping off my face and following an irritating trail down my neck. I hated the feeling of tears that fell to my neck. Normally I would wipe them off in a fit of anger, but this time I just used my shoulder to dry my cheek and continued staring blankly. They kept coming, a faucet that couldn't turn off. Even if I didn't fully yet understand the hurt I was feeling, my body would continue the onslaught of tears.

        I took a step back to leave, but the door swung open with Blake on the other side holding her car keys. She saw me and the shitty state I was in, concern registering on her face and then she was launching herself at me. My arms immediately went around her as my face crumpled with sadness. I hugged her close, pressing my cheek into her hair. God, I never wanted to let go.

        "What happened? Why did you leave today?" she asked. Her arms were a band of warmth and comfort. If only I could stay just surrounded by her, wholly consumed with her presence. I grasped her desperately with my arms. There just weren't any words.

        "Come on, let's go inside," she told me and pulled me into the apartment. She shut the door behind us and led us to her bedroom where she shut and locked the door as well. I gazed down at her.

Blake was holding my hand and the look in her eyes was conveying things I felt should stir something in me. But all I could feel was a numbing kind of pain in my chest.

        She didn't know how to make me feel better. I didn't want her to feel like she had to. This was why I should've left.

        Blake gently led me towards the bed and pulled me down to lay with her. We got tangled in the sheets as she hugged me to her chest. She let me slip my arms around her again and cry quietly against her clothes. Her apartment smelled like marijuana, but she smelled like sweetness and green apples. Something about her was beginning to bring me a feeling of home. It sounded so easy to fall into her arms at the end of the day.

        "You're okay," she reassured me softly. Her fingertips threaded through my hair like a steady sewing needle. I bit down on my lip, my vision blurry with tears.

       Some summers I spent the entire break with my grandma at her house in the country. She'd lived there with my grandpa since forever. The furniture always had clear plastic covers on them and the books in her living room had faint lines on their spines where my fingers had swiped the dust from. I remembered I was not to wear shoes inside unless I wanted to get chased with a slipper. Between both my American and Brazilian family, I could never escape the airborne slipper.