Brown Eyes | Loubbie

Chapter Seventeen

"Just tell me I want you back or I still love you, and you will find myself tracing your home, once again. Just incase - if ever, just if ever, you'll choose to choose me again." Cate whispered, tears sprawling out of her eyes as she kissed Sandra a goodbye.

The touch of her lips against the brunette was quick, a subtle touch that even Sandra herself did not feel like it landed on her lips. It was fleeting - it was like it wasn't there and it felt like a ghost, she did not know if it happened, but she knew it was there.  Sandra opened her eyes as the warmth of Cate's hands on her cheeks diminished and she was then welcomed by the sight of Cate leaving their room, with her luggage on her right hand. She wanted to scream and tell her to stay, but the damage has been done. Her world started spinning and the whole room felt strange as if it was not hers - it felt a lot bigger and she felt like she did not memorize each space; Cate was gone and along with her familiarity inside her own home was gone too.

It all happened so fast; one day, they were back at each other's arms, and the next, Cate was leaving again. Sandra should be happy because it was her decision, but it did not feel right. Her tears fell watching the blonde slowly disappearing from her view. She could have shouted stay, but her tongue was cut off from its ability to speak. It was too much to bear so she bowed her head, put her hand over her mouth as she sobbed silently. Why did she think they would make it for the second time? Why did she think the second shot of their lovestory would be better? Sandra pondered that maybe, just maybe, opening their book once again was a huge amiss and she shouldn't have done it.

One kiss...  I love you still.

Another kiss with Sarah... I don't love you anymore.

Those words - those filthy words came out from Sandra's lips, spitting an I do not love you anymore to Cate as if it was her only truth, but it wasn't. And she regretted it. Now, with just herself crying inside the room, with the wardrobe being unoccupied and Cate's ghost  did not linger inside the room anymore, she just wanted to scream and take it back. But how? How could she do that when the woman she loved the most was gone?

Cate's red robe was still hanging on the rack -  untouched, and even from afar, Sandra could smell it's fragrance. That daisy and vanilla scent that always made her knees weak. She looked over the other side of the room - a table full of books. Those were Cate's. She would always read during her freetime and before going to bed. Sandra was picturing Cate with a glass hanging over her nose and a book on her hand. She wanted her during those times and surely, she would miss those moments. She would miss how Cate would smile at her while her hand would put the book down. Her lips would curve in a smile every single time she would read something sap and she would then tell it to her. Those poetic phrases and Cate's thick accent. Bullshit. How could she be okay now? Sandra did not know where to start. And probably, she would not be able to.

"Bullshit! I was drunk and I did not even know that I was in the guest room with Sarah. I did not kiss her, okay?"

Cate's voice was loud and her face was red. She had been trying to explain herself, until she got tired of explaining something she did not even know she did. Sandra bit her lip and sat on the bed as her eyes looked down.

"Do you still love me? Because if not -- shoot, do you even love me?" Sandra's voice was low and her chest was rising up and down, opening all of the corners of her doubts.

Cate knelt in front of her, cupping her cheeks with her hands. There were tears falling down from her eyes and she did not even notice it. If only a heart had a sound, Cate would probably hear Sandra's heart crumpling into bits, as if it was a glass smashed down on the floor. Little did Sandra know, Cate's heart was breaking too. It was true. She did not know she was kissing Sarah. But did she really kiss Sarah?

"Honey, look at me please. Please just look at me." Cate whispered as she caressed the brunette's cheeks, "I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I love you forever. There is no way I am trading you over Sarah or any other woman." And with that, Cate's tears fell. "It's never not you. It's always you. You are a handprint in my heart and I won't do anything to lose you." She whispered as she leaned her head on Sandra's shoulder while she silently sobbed, "...please believe me. I really did not know. And even if I am sober, I will not kiss Sarah."

"Cate, I'm sorry."

Cate moved back and looked at her, "No, I am sorry. I'm sorry if you feel like I kissed her and I am sorry for letting you ---"

Sandra shook her head, "No. Please let's end this."

"What?"

"Let's end this."

Cate's mouth hung open, eyes shocked as more tears fell down. "You are not serious, please."

"No. I don't love you anymore. And I know you deserve someone better. We shouldn't have had opened this relationship. It's a mistake."

"No!" Cate shrieked as she hugged Sandra's waist. "Take that back. Take that back, honey." Her voice broke as she hugged her waist tighter.

"Please... let's stop hurting ourselves."

It was so foolish. It was so foolish of Sandra to say something untrue. Of course, she loved Cate and that would not change, but her pride, the pain, the jealousy were mixing up until those words came out of her. With tears in her eyes, she stood up and threw her phone forward. It landed on her vanity mirror. The mirror was smashed and the shattering of the broken glasses against the floor was loud and deafening. Along with the broken shards of glasses on the floor, she sunk down by the bedside. Maybe, just maybe, Cate had a lot of forms to the extent that she even mistook her as her home, when in fact, she really wasn't.

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