I Never Saw You in My Dreams | Alice in Borderland

CH. 8 - Everything Makes Me Feel Nothing

[Y/N]

Everything was brought back.

For a moment, I was happy and scared. These is all different, all of these felt real but in some parts, it felt just a dream.

A dream where I didn't even see it coming. Where I cannot even do anything, even a thing for my friends to get the hell out of this world. Even for myself.

I feel so useless.

By that, everything was brought here. All the feelings that I thought had already vanished was still here. I thought I already left all of it. But then, I didn't noticed that I was still carrying all of it here.

The doubt to myself was again starting to eat me up. The fear, the dissapointment — the everything. It's all in here, inside of me. I was still keeping it.

For a moment, I feel so strong, I feel so powerful, I feel different. I was happy and scared. I'm scared that I might die the next time but I'm happy to know that I just survived without doubting myself for a while.

And then, it's coming back again.

Am I strong because I can keep all of these for a long time? Or does this makes me weak because I'm too scared to let go of it?

I'm just not useless, not just a dissapointment, a failure. I'm nothing. "What a shame." That's all I can say to myself by looking at the reflection of the mirror in front of me. How the hell did I even get the courage to talk to anyone? Where? When?

How come I forgot everything about me for a moment and acted strong and fearless to everyone? How?

"[Y/N]-san?" I startled as someone knocked at my door. "Yuki?" I said and turned around to the door. "Y-yes, I was just wondering if you have eaten already? Niragi-san asked me to check you." He said behind the door.

"Ah yes, I haven't eaten yet. Please give me a second." I said as I wiped off my tears and washed my face. I looked at the mirror and tied up my hair. "Hey." I uttered as soon as I opened the door. Yuki was standing close to it. He nodded a little and smiled. "Have you eaten already?" I asked him while I wipe my face with tissue.

"Y-yes, but I can come with you if you want!" He offered. His smile grew bigger. "Sure if you could!" I said and we headed outside. "[Y/N]-san, did you cry?" He said, not even noticing that he was staring at me for a while now. "Ahh, yes. I just hurt my finger." I nervously chuckled. He quickly glanced at my hands and didn't notice any scars or wounds from it, but he didn't speak more.

We sat down and he offered to take the food from the counter. I couldn't help to stop myself from overthinking again as I waited for Yuki. Everything was coming back again and again. "[Y/N]-san?" Yuki came over with the food. "Oh, yeah?" I was suddenly snapped out from my thoughts. "You don't look fine."

My tears almost fell but I didn't let them to. I almost broke down in front of this boy, a 15 year-old boy. I almost let him know me. I almost told him that, "Yes, I am not fine." I've been wanting to say that for a long time.

I've been waiting everybody to ask or say something about it. I've been preparing myself for this, and yet, it's still scares the hell out of me.

That's why I can't just let all of this go. I'm not strong, i'm not weak. I'm nothing.

That's all I know.

"Do I? Maybe I'm still sleepy?" I chuckled and immediately eat already. "Oh."

—

I finish eating for almost 30 minutes and decided to find the Suguru since he was the reason why I left my room.

We almost walked every floor of the Beach, but we still haven't see him. "Oh wait, why did everyone is gathering here?" We stopped by as we saw everybody gathering around. Everybody was murmuring about something, some was holding some drinks to their hands. There were no dancing or partying that was happening right now.