𝙱𝚃𝚂 × 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 (𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜/𝚒𝚖𝚊𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚜) ✓

Hoseok~ "8 tears of sorrow"

As I waited for my husband to make dinner for our special date night, I wandered into my room, and found myself looking for an old box that enclosed memories from my youth. Having found it, I picked up a tattered diary, so worn out that it was practically shedding pages. I opened the diary only to find the first 8 pages of it were filled out. I sat on my carpet as I began to read my entries.

//

Day #1

I saw him for the first time.

I watched as he moved his body with all his might, dancing to the beat of the music. I watched as a beautiful smile crept onto his face every time the crowd roared in response to his moves. Oh how dangerous that smile was, angelic, heavenly, drawing me towards him. I felt the sudden urge to protect that very smile from any darkness in its vicinity. I watched as he took slow steps towards me, my heart plunging forth to reach out to his form, as he closed the distance between us with his leisurely tread. I watched him reach his hand out, only to take the unfamiliar hand of the woman standing beside me in his, his warm palm enveloping her petite hand. I watched as they threaded their fingers together and he twirled the stranger around, ending the performance by gripping her waist, their foreheads resting against each other. That's when I knew, he could never be mine.

//

Day #97

I noticed his presence again.

I was preoccupied in pretending that I was having a good time with the man sitting before me, but my eyes involuntarily trailed over to him, sitting at a table only a small distance away from me, with the same woman I had seen 3 months ago. This is the second time I had seen that mesmerizing smile of his, which had only grown wider from the first time I'd seen it. I watched, my eyes darting in confusion, my heart palpitating uncontrollably, as he got down on one knee, ready to give away his heart to another woman, right in front of my eyes. I watched as the band of metal clung onto her finger, authoritatively claiming the man I had hopelessly fallen for.

//

Day #122

I finally got to know his name. Jung Hoseok.

Oh how soothing it felt, as his name rolled off of my tongue. I could only imagine the feeling of euphoria, that woman felt, when he called out her name, honey dripping from his voice. I only wished I could be in her place. How did I get to know his name? Realizing that the woman betrothed to my love, was actually my 2nd cousin took me by surprise. I had myself to blame for not knowing who the woman was, considering how I remained distant from family. It was only a while, before I found myself getting close to my affianced cousin, and in turn hearing him say my name for the first time, "Y/N, nice to meet you, I'm Zuya's fiancé, Hoseok."

//

Day #156

I felt his touch.

It wasn't intentional. I found myself running my hand across the countless amounts of colored napkins that lay before me, as I tried to pick a neutral shade which was close to my liking. Had my concentration been fixed on who was in front of me, I would've never gotten to feel his warm skin against mine. It may have been just a brush of our fingers, it may have lasted only for a second, but it was a step further for me. His perplexed expression as he pulled his hand away wasn't left unnoticed by me, leaving a glimmer of hope, shining too bright for its own good in my heart.

//

Day #180

I thought I saw something flicker in his eyes. Was it fear? Was it confusion? Was it guilt? What was it? Was it perhaps, lust?

It all happened to quickly to decipher. I watched with admiration as Hoseok carefully observed the options I had laid out in front of him since I was helping him pick out a birthday gift for Zuya. I'd like to believe that the man who unintentionally pushed me, was sent as a sign from God, but I knew it was far too convenient of a situation to be true. Had that man not pushed me, I would've never experienced how it felt to have his arms clasp onto my form. To have his lips, only a breath away from mine. Before I could interpret what the glint in his eyes was wishing to convey, he removed his grip from mine, apologizing immediately for having caused a ruckus. The way he held me, saving me from my fall, it was a tad too much for my heart to push away as 'just a coincidence'.

//

Day #218

I made a mistake. We both made a mistake.

Alcohol was the real culprit behind everything that happened, in his point of view. He blamed the alcohol for inducing feelings of lust towards me. But I only had my feelings to blame. Alcohol was only a catalyst that ignited my passion for Hoseok further. My intoxicated mind only diluted the self-control I've had managed to maintain for so long. Did I regret it? Partially. It made me feel as though I was a terrible human being for being the one squirming underneath an affianced man, committing sins untold. But isn't this what I wanted for so long? Somehow it felt wrong. I began to realize I wanted him to be mine. But who was I to stop him from running back to his fiancé? The cousin he slept with? The woman who would be labeled 'indecent' for having her desires fulfilled by a man who belonged to someone else? I was no one but a sinful accomplice to him.

//

Day #301

I watched him get married.

It had been a long 3 months of agonizing, until Zuya had decided to forgive him. As for me? I was cast aside as the 'indecent' human being I was. Had I been invited to the wedding? No. But had I managed to sneak in and see my love get married to another woman? Yes. The pain I felt was something I had never experienced before. How could one man have such a tight grip over my heart? That day I promised myself, as I watched Hoseok smile ever so brightly at the woman in the white gown, that this was the last time I would see him.

//

Day #1369

I came back.

I felt a tug on my arm, as I watched my husband flash me a bright smile, leading me to our luggage, as we returned to my hometown after 3 years. The first year or so had been hell, but after meeting someone who seemed to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and mend them, I had been the happiest I had ever been, for the last one year, the highlight being, my now husband, Chan, proposing to me and finally getting married. What were the chances that seeing a face could bring all of those memories that I had forced myself to lock away, cascading down in a ruthless disarray of emotions? The chances were low, but never zero. I saw him. Even worse, me and my husband had brunch with Hoseok and Zuya. I felt like tearing myself apart then and there. Only when Zuya had left to visit the washroom and Chan had left to attend an important call, only then did I find the courage to look into his eyes. Only then did he finally speak up, addressing me. He said three words. "I love you"? No. "I am sorry" is what he said. Was it possible to break my heart even more? If it was, then he succeeded. But unexpectedly, I felt a rush of relief. This soon led to silence between us, but not before I could mutter out a feeble "I'm sorry too". Parting ways amicably was something I never thought I could do when it came to Hoseok, but with Chan by my side, and Zuya by his, I pulled myself together and bid him goodbye. I had broken my promise. I told myself I would never see him again. And even though I promised myself the same again, would it really be true? Why did I get the feeling that my promise was gonna be broken again?

//

"Y/N! Dinner's ready!" my husband calls out to me, as I drop the diary, the incomplete last entry, still lingering in the back of my mind.

"So what did chef Chan make today?" I ask smiling, as I lean over the kitchen counter.

"Some spaghetti aglio olio for m'lady." He said dramatically flipping the kitchen towel over his shoulder.

"Well let's grab some plates, I'm starving." I said, as we begin to prep the dishes.

That's when I found myself unconsciously screaming at God in the depths of my mind. 'Why did I meet him? Why did he have to walk into my life?' I sighed as I realized life never goes as planned. Not everything in life will go my way. I cracked a sad smile, as I looked at my husband, who was talking about the different types of cheese, wondering how life would've been with my first love, Jung Hoseok.