Silent Cries (Complete/Being Edited)

Chapter Ten - Visiting Joan.

I wake up on a Saturday just a weeks worth of time after Rory's suicide attempt. My forearms are on fire with the deep cuts that I've inflicted upon myself as a way to silence the raging voices in my head. They have tormented me most at night and continually harass me for hours at a time with the harshest and pettiest words to me. The thoughts of suicide are loud now like when I was thirteen and made that first cut to help ease my mind. Then another memory sweeps over me wracking my body with pain.

xxxx

I am thirteen years old. I am in the bathroom sobbing and am sitting propped up against the bathtub. My mother had just beat me with a belt so my back side is burning from the sting of the hard leather. The thoughts of suicide charge through my mind driving me into my rising hysteria. My mother is on a drunken rampage and I can hear her screaming in her bedroom as she beats on the wall to release her rage and frustration. I clap my hands over my ears as another sob wracks my body and then after it passes I've had enough.

I rise in robotic movements and open the medicine cabinet and withdraw a pocket mirror and wrap it in a rag and then stomp on it. I hear the sound of the glass shattering which to my surprise is soothing but not enough to stop me from what I am about to do. I bend over and pick up the rags and open the bundle and pick up a shard of glass my hands surprisingly steady. I sink down to my knees and roll up the sleeve of my shirt and then slowly press the blade into my wrist. The feeling is painful but at the same time relaxing, I continue to slice in that spot until blood blooms a vibrant red and runs down my arm. And with that I drop the glass shard and lean back and stare up at the ceiling as my thoughts go silent and my emotions seize to exist... The feeling is euphoric.

xxxx

I lay in bed paralyzed and weak as usual after the flashback is over and within a few minutes I rise and head to the shower. My thoughts are still bad but it's the emotions that make them unbearable so thank god I'm not feeling much. When I step into the shower my forearms burn with pain from the shower water even though it's on cold. I take cold showers whenever I am at these points because they help me manage my sanity, with the cold chill and bumps on my skin appearing to show another sign that I am alive. I emerge from the shower and dress after I don't know how long and walk outside my movements robotic. I feel like I've escaped myself because it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything and just waiting to see what will happen next.

My body heads to Joan's house and since it's past two she should answer after my fist raises and knocks on the door. The door opens a few moments later and Joan is standing there with her hair in a messy bun and she's in a grey tank top and lime green sweat pants. She never gussies herself up on the weekends unless she's going somewhere important. I snap back together and grin at her "Looking good Joan." I say teasingly. She grins "Speak for yourself asshole. You look like crap." She snaps back sassily. "Yeah but you're forgetting that I always look like crap so can I come in now that we've established a friendly greeting?" I ask. "Sure bro." She says gesturing for me to come inside. I like Joan's house for one thing because it doesn't wreak of cigarettes and another thing it's well cleaned and nice. Joan lives with her mother Susan but we just call her mom because it's easier.

Joan plops down on the sofa and lays back and stares at me as I sit down in one of the chairs. "So what have you been up to bro?" She asks with hinting concern. I am not surprised that she has been worried about me considering how I've been walking to school everyday this past week. "I'd rather not talk about it sis." I murmur. She sits up and frowns "You don't look so hot bro, why don't you go into the guest room and lay down. Mom will be home later and you can stay here for tonight." She offers. I normally decline her offers but it's true that I am not feeling well considering how I haven't had a decent nice sleep all week. "That sounds good. Thanks sis." I rise and head toward the hall way but Joan jumps in front of me and hugs me. I stiffen at first unsure and shocked at the sudden display of affection. Joan and I never touch each other partially because of the abuse and also because I just flat out don't like being touched. I pat her back as she pulls back and her eyes surprise me because they are bright with tears. "I-It gets better Bryan." She says and sniffles "Y-You'll see." I know that Joan and I seem sorta like the odd couple here but she does understand. Her father Lucas verbally abused her and her mother so on some level she does. Her father was a heavy drinker as well and she hasn't seen him since she was ten after they got out of that situation. "I know it does." I say even though I know it's a lie but I can never tell Joan of the darkness and the pain within me. With that she moves out of my way and I head to the guest room and lay down in the bed.

In the moments just before I drift off to sleep a voice whispers to me from the back of my mind reminding me of a memory. "Tell no one of this boy." The voice belongs to my father and the memory brings forth silent sobs from deep within me and before long I fall asleep.

Author's Note

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