Silent Cries (Complete/Being Edited)

Chapter Twelve - Who Says The Past Can't Destroy?

I wake the next morning so early that it's still dark out. The clock says that it's five in the morning but when I try to go back to sleep I am too consumed by thought to do so. I get up from my bed and pick up my dark blue sweat pants and black button up shirt and walk into the bathroom and dress. I emerge a few minutes later from the restroom and see my mother passed out drunk on the couch with a burnt out cigarette pinched between her lips. I sigh, she really needs to be more careful with her smoking because she already burnt several holes in the couch. I take the cigarette and throw it into the trash can in the kitchen. I pull out a chair and sit down and lye back and quickly get lost in thought.

So much has happened that I never thought that would. I have a boyfriend that I love so much it hurts and I know that he feels the same. My mother is still a drunk ass smoker but what else is new? I'm a sophomore in high school and my grades are great considering how I'm in all honors classes. Still nothing from my father at all even though I hate him for all that he'd done to us. Though I still wonder where he is right now, probably he's depressed like me or passed out drunk like my mother, I suppose that I'll never know. After a while I begin to dose in the chair so I get up and walk back to my bedroom and lye down and I succumb to more horrid dreams.

xxx

I'm six years old in this memory and I'm in my room sobbing loud and uncontrollably. My mother had just struck me across the face with a studded belt of hers after she'd gotten home from a rough day at work. I hear the door slam and that's a sign that her friend has arrived to pick her up for whatever it was they were going to to that night. My cheek aches from where the belt connected with tender skin and it hurts so much that I just want to black out but sadly I can't. I clutch the side of my face and scream loudly as I press my face into my pillow and eventually I sob myself to sleep feeling more useless then ever before.

xxxx

I snap awake from the nightmare and dash quickly from my bedroom and into the bathroom. I find my razor quickly from the drawer and drop my sweat pants as I press it deep and hard into my thigh up and down over and over again.

I feel as though I'm drifting... I sliced my thighs so many times that I am now bleeding uncontrollably. I try and put pressure on it with some tissue paper but nothing has worked and when I rise to get out of the bathroom I fall instantly back down to the floor. I see spots dancing across my vision as my thighs grow more and more saturated with my own blood and I grow increasingly weaker. I felt so worthless and the only way that I knew how to escape from myself and the pain within was to cut... And to keep cutting until it was all gone but I may have gone to far perhaps. I rise once more and hug the wall for balance as I walk from the bathroom to my room. My mother is no where in sight so I'm safe for now. I collapse onto my bed and my eyes begin to sting as I press my face into my pillow and scream as I sob. I want out, I'm tired of feeling so worthless and pathetic. All I am is nothing but an unwanted son and burden on all of those around me and all I want is to die... And maybe this time I will.