Forgetting The Ex

Why Am I Explaining This To You

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore

"I will break your mobile if you play one more not-exactly- situation-fit-but-situation-fit-song."

Anshu raises an eyebrow,"Isn't Let it Go one of your favorites?",she smiles smugly,"Why is music bothering you now?"

"Cut it, Anshu."

"Aww my baby."

"It's not funny",I snap.

"Of course it's not", my best friend snaps back,"It's your mistake,and you are sitting and wallowing in misery instead of setting things right. Real mature."

I wince at her statement,"It's not like that."

"What is it like then?", Anshu glares at me,"In spite of it being your mistake, Nikhil made an attempt to contact you,to make your ass feel better. And what are you doing? Four days later? I just don't understand you sometimes."

"I just didn't get the time",I say weakly,"Don't make it sound like I'm trying to avoid him."

"But you're also not putting any effort to make things right. Nikhil didn't say it. But I am saying it,trust me",Anshu holds me by my shoulder, looking me straight in the eye,"You do take Nikhil for granted. One day,he will stop his pursuits,and even when you decide you want him that day, it's going to be too late. Don't push his limits. Don't wait for that day. You'll be the one that will lose the most."

Anshu's words are like a slap on my face as I squeeze my eyes shut, tears welling them quick,"I'm scared Anshu",I whisper,"I...I don't know how to deal with this."

My teary eyes apparently don't do shit to my best friend as she continues to berate me,"You are generally so fond of confrontations. And you decide to hide now that it's your mistake? Do you even understand what you're doing with your life?"

At this point, I'm not sure if I should just sit and cry or fight back,life, Anshu, everything, everyone.

I swallow the lump in my throat, unwilling to cry," Stop being judgemental Anshu. You of all people should know why I did what I did."

"But there's a way to deliver the message",Anshu says,deadpan.

"Stop it alright?",I frown, irritated,"I know I made a mistake. I want to look for a solution as well. Don't make me the bad guy just because I had made one mistake."

"Sandy",Anshu sighs,rubbing my back,"I wouldn't have been upset if you at least tried talking to him,but you just...have you even seen Nikhil the last few days? I am your best friend,but seriously,Nikhil doesn't deserve what you're putting him through."

"I am not putting him through anything",I say, exasperated,"Have you thought about what I am going through? Why the fuck does everyone think I am the one completely at fault. Okay,in this particular situation,I agree I am at fault. But Nikhil is no less. I sometimes feel,he says all the things he does to make me feel guilty about not loving him. It's not under my control,why do people just not get it? You, Avyukth,Nikhil, Sneha. Just...what is wrong with you people? I suffered because of Dhruv. And Dhruv and Nikhil were or even are good friends. Do you understand how awkward it's going to be for me if, God forbid,they decide to patch up better. And Nikhil is the kind to just bear everything till the limit. I seriously think he has a lot of pent up anger and frustration towards me,even if he loves me. It's just impossible to love anyone more than one's self. No one can deny that. So I'm Sorry if I want to take my time with him,and my heart. Okay maybe,the way I said it might be harsh,but the underlying statement is that,we really should start off casually dating. I still stick to my word. What's wrong in that? The risk of a breakup remains the same even if you're in a relationship or just seeing each other without any label. And the dating part is just metaphorical. It's only the label that changes. The feelings or effort don't change, right? So tell me why I am the biggest idiot for trying to protect myself?",tears stream down my face