Just To Have You Back Again

When Words Become Superfluous

"When you protect yourself from pain, be sure you do not protect yourself from love."

― Alan Cohen

***

As Beth was leading Jake out of the ballroom, they ran into Jen. Beth silently pleaded with Jen if it was okay for them to skip out on the dancing portion of the night since she was no longer needed there. Jen understood that look and just gave a nod and gave them a small wave. As they walked out the double doors, the cool night air hit Beth's skin and she involuntarily shivered at the sudden drop in temperature. Jake immediately took his suit jacket off and helped her slip her arms through the holes. It was three sizes too big for her, but she looked absolutely adorable.

He wrapped one arm around her waist as he led her to a lounge chair near a tiki torch, which along with the half moon, served as the only source of light in the quiet evening. He waited for her to situate herself before laying down next to her. He was laying flat on his back, his left arm cradling Beth's head. Beth laid on her side facing Jake, her left arm wrapped around her stomach, meeting Jake's arm that was supporting her head and had their fingers intertwined tightly. Her right hand untied his bow tie and started playing with the buttons on his shirt, sometimes crawling up and down his chest. He unbuttoned his top button and tried to catch Beth's hand, twining and untwining their fingers. They lay in complete silence for a long while, their legs scissored together, listening only to each other's steady breathing and drumming heartbeats. The sound of the waves crashing to the shore providing the soundtrack to their talk.

"We were supposed to get married here, Alex and I," Beth finally shattered the silence. She didn't look at him, just kept playing with his hand. He kept his eyes trained on their hands as well. "In this very same resort. Jenny was hesitant to get married here at first, but I'm glad

I convinced her otherwise. It would've been a shame. It is the perfect place for a perfect wedding, don't you think?" she asked rhetorically. Jake remained silent and waited for her to continue.

"We had so many plans! We were going to get married and move my brothers and mom in with us in Manila. I would go back to college and finish school before we were to have kids. Our house was going to be the happiest home, always full of laughter and love. But obviously that's all just a plan now. When he died, I don't know how I continued to breathe. I was only existing, no longer living. I knew the only reason I had to keep going was because I had people relying on me. My whole life I've had people relying on me. With Alex, I had someone I could rely on for once; when I lost that, I got lost, too. I became a robot. I loved him too much. It was all consuming. And now I'm in the same maelstrom of emotions again, and I just keep asking myself why am I contemplating being in this kind of relationship again. I'm a mess, Jake. I don't want you to get caught up in my mess. I know Alex loved me, but that didn't stop me from wondering if it was love or merely pity. From what I know about you, you live a simple life in terms of not having any complications. You don't need me messing that up. I don't know why you think you're in love with me. You deserve so much more than what I can offer. Someone so much more than me."

Jake wiped the tears she didn't realize she had been crying with the back of his hand. She looked up and saw his eyes shimmering with unshed tears, but he quickly shifted his eyes away from her and stared at the darkness in front of him.

"Baby girl, I don't THINK I'm in love with you. I AM in love with you. Are you rejecting me?"

"I don't want to. But I'm afraid...I'm afraid of hurting you because of how I am. And here I am, hurting you."

"You're not hurting me, not in the way you're thinking. You know what's hurting me? You being so mean to yourself. I know you had to grow up fast and had to toughen up on the outside because you thought it was you versus the world, but inside, you're still yearning to be loved and protected. Your father died when you were young, your stepfather left your family, and your fiancé died, so now you think every man will just up and leave at any moment. You think I'm not serious and that my love is shallow, but you couldn't be more wrong. You caught me by surprise! I had no intentions of falling in love with you, but here I am. It is what it is," he finally looked down at her. "Babe, we're all a mess. We're human. I party too much, I drink too much, I date around too much. I reckon you deserve better than me, too. But no other man is going to love you as much as I do, I guarantee you that. I don't want to wake up tomorrow without you in my life. I want you to give me a chance. Please."

He pleaded and finally gripped her free hand and brought it to his lips, kissing her palm. "Babe, don't ever ask yourself 'why me?'" he met her eyes. "My only question is 'why not you?' I know you're gonna give me a million reasons why not, but I don't care about any of those reasons. I don't care about your past. I only care about the present and the future. My present and future with you in it. I love you."

"Babe, I want to be with you, I do! But I need you to be patient with me. I'm not whole yet. I'm still just fragments of a broken person."

He brought her hand down to his chest over his heart, it's cadence at a frantic speed.

"Do you feel that? My heart has been beating in this state ever since I met you. From the panic I felt when I saw that ball sailing to hit you on the head. From the excitement of seeing you when the opportunity arose. From the thrill of kissing you. From the nail biting tension I've been feeling the last 24 hours. My heart only beats like this for you. Please do not think of the what ifs. Think of what could be. We could be meant for each other. We could be the ones to fulfill each other's dreams. We could be the love that lasts a lifetime. Imagine that," he smiled tenderly at her.

"Despite all my neuroses, you still love me. How can I possibly say no to that?" she smirked at him, feeling good about their talk, feeling like a thorn had been pulled from her side. She moved her hand to caress his face and moved up to kiss him. "I don't want to think anymore. I just want to act. I don't want to think about what other people will think or say. I want to do what I want. And I want to try with you. I am free with you. I feel good about us."

"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that."

They inched their faces closer together and Jake turned his body to face her. He cupped her face and they kissed again, Beth's arms wrapped around his waist. Their kiss quickly escalated from slow and gentle to fast and fiery, their lips and tongues battling for dominance.

He moved on top of her and started trailing kisses down to her neck and her collarbone and was about to move up to her shoulder when he heard her gasp and whimper. He raised his head and looked up at her. "What do you want, baby girl?"

"Please love me tonight."

He got the meaning of her words and quickly helped her up from where she lay. It was with a great deal of self-control that he didn't just throw her over his shoulder and sprint to her room.

***

The lights remained off even as they entered her room. Jake took his jacket off her shoulders and lifted her up off her feet and carried her, wrapping her legs around his waist. They continued their heated exchange of kisses and when he bumped his knee on her bed, he gently laid her down on the mattress. He kneeled down and took off her sandals first, kissing his way up her leg as he lifted the billowy skirt of her dress up to her thigh. He moved back up and kissed her on the lips again.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I want to experience this only with you."

"I love you, my sweet baby girl."

All fears and anxieties vanished away as it was replaced by love and passion. This was not merely two bodies joining as one. This was making love in the truest meaning of the term. This was gentle, unhurried, resplendent, pure, sublime. Each taking their time in exploring each other, discovering the other's most intimate parts, and claiming it as their own. And when they reached the summit of their satisfaction at the same time, they stayed joined together, neither wanting to leave their position just yet, savoring in the contentment of what they have just shared, foreheads touching, breathing each other's air, giving each other renewed life.