Running • Iggy

Blame

I waved to En through the window as they walked off two hours later, leaving me on the bottom floor of the shop alone. I had a load of new clothes, a packet of sweets, and also something I knew if Max found I would genuinely be dead meat. I had a lollipop in my mouth as I wandered up the stairs, humming to a song I had heard play in a shop En had dragged me into. I closed the door to the second floor behind me, stopped dead in my happy tracks by Max's cold face. "I'm in trouble." I stated matter-of-factly. It was only Max, Fang and Iggy in that room. I wondered where Alisha, Annabelle, Gazzy, Angel and Adam were, but I didn't have time to look around for them.

"Get that out of your mouth." Max said coldly, and I chucked the candy in the bin sitting next to the door, murmuring "Yes mom" under my breath in annoyance. I looked back up to Max, waiting for the yelling to begin. "Do you even care?" Max asked quietly, in a tone I was not expecting. She sounded angry and upset at the same time. I recognized the emotions as disbelief, fury and sadness. "...care?" I asked slowly, feeling dread build up in my chest. "Do you even care that Nudge is gone?" She asked, louder this time. Fang winced, looking to the floor. He knew all too well that I cared, but didn't make any effort to tell Max as such. I wanted to thank him for not blurting it out. I knew it was insane, but I'd rather they hated me than feel weak.

"Do you even care that we're all in danger?" Max was getting louder and louder by the sentence. "Cause it didn't look like it when you just wandered off with a bunch of kids!" Max stepped forward, and I was too close to the door to step back. I could feel the way Iggy's jacket was pressed against my back through the shirt, and I wasn't quite sure why I recognized that article of clothing through my shirt. I could feel the first sign of either anger or fear which were both equally unwelcomed coming on. My breathing began to quicken, catching in my throat occasionally. "Of course I care." I said lowly, anger catching the words and refusing to let go before they exited my mouth. "Then why do you keep wandering into situations that could get us in trouble and prolonged how long it takes to find Nudge?" Max took another step forward, the wings on her back flexing slightly, like she wanted to take off.

"Maybe I just want something to remember in case we get locked up again?" I snapped, feeling the cap in my emotions come loose. "So I have something to cling on to when they put me on those god damn surgery tables without anything to knock me out and stop the pain?" I stepped forward, forcing Max to take two steps back. "So I can remember something good instead of watching kids get shot in a glass case because they 'weren't good enough'?" I was unable to stop myself by now, but Max stopped me instead. "You have the entirety of your life in our house!" She cried angrily.

"Forgive me for wanting a little more normalcy that isn't being locked up with your 5 siblings and best friend, only being allowed out once a month even if you get that." I growled. Max began yelling at me, but I was starting to not understand her words. Anger was thrashing through my brain so hard I could've sworn I almost fell over. The edges of my vision were literally turning red, which I wasn't too sure why or if that was normal. I heard the faint echo of her voice say '.. meant to know if you're a heartless monster...' And that was the trigger.

I slapped Max so hard across the face that she fell backward into Fang's arms, whose eyes were wide. I immediately realized what I had done, my hands flying up to my face. I didn't know what to say. What have I done? "Get. Out." Max growled, holding her cheek with one hand. Had I cut it? Broken something? What had I done? I didn't wait for anyone to spew anything at me, I just sprinted down the steps and out of the shop, turning down an alleyway about 10 shops down. It was a dead-end, a cement wall that was damp and cold as I slid down it, similar to the way the tears slid down my face. Slow, warm and painful. Maybe it wasn't the tears that were painful, it was just the severe guilt ripping through my chest, making it impossible to breathe. I was wrong before, I wasn't a monster. Now I was. I had lashed out at my sister because she was mad at me for something she should've been mad at me for. I had hurt her. I could do it again. Nothing was stopping me, was it? I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to hurt them.