the sun - charlie gillespie

thirty one

trigger warning - blood referencing

i stared at the ceiling and thought to myself. our fears can be triggered by real threats and by memories of threats. as humans we find it challenging to unlearn fears. that's when we realise that we are scared we must ask ourselves how real the threat is or if we have begun to generalise fear. to remain well balanced and with good perspective we must always remain willing to ask ourselves a difficult question.

how are you going to deal with it?

"scream and i'll make sure you don't leave here alive." he tightened his grip on my hand and as much as i wanted to, i kept silent. i didn't recognise the voice, but i'd definitely heard it before. the person pulled me in from the kitchen out to the garden. i looks up as his long hair touched his shoulders just like charlie's did.

that's when i realised that it was jacob.

"i'll let go, if you promise not to scream." he tried to bargain. as if i was going to make promises to him.

he still had my hand, i ripped it out of his grip and waited for him to release me, when he finally did, i turned around to face him. my heart was thumping out of my chest.

"name?" he stepped closer and pushed my hair behind my ear, i instantly took a step back. he pulled out cigarettes from the side of his pocket. he didn't have charlie eyes, they were much darker.

"don't touch me." i told him, i felt my body get a bit hot, not because i liked him, believe me i hate him. but because i was scared . he stared at me like i was a piece of food.  jacob was everything your mother warned you about when she told you not to walk alone in the dark.

why wouldn't he just let me leave.

"you're so fucking selfish." i said to him. he wasn't looking at me, but he instantly did. he had an intimidating look on his face.

"you don't even know me." he laughed, taking something out of his pocket. i looked down to see a vape.

"i don't need to." i snapped back as he inhaled his vape. he exhaled and it smelt like strawberries.

"you're talking a lot for a girl who knows what i'm capable of." he looked me up and down, from my converse, to the top of my curly hair.

"fuck you." i mumbled to him.

"i'm sure you'd like to sweetheart, i'm sure you'd like to."he repeated, shaking his head and chuckling. i looked up at him, i couldn't read him but i just knew he was toxic. hate can be a deeply stimulating emotion. the world becomes easier to understand and much less terrifying if you divide everything and everyone into friends and enemies, we and they, good and evil.

the first thing that happens in a conflict is that we choose a side, because that's easier than trying to hold two thoughts in our heads at the same time. i chose charlie's side, was it too obvious? the second thing that happens is that we seek out facts that confirm what we want to believe - comforting facts, ones that permit life to go on as normal. i knew it was true what jacob was doing to charlie, because of his bruises. the third is that we dehumanize our enemy: i had to make jacob know that he was a piece of shit.

"don't act like you're willing to talk to me,just because you have no one to talk to." i said to him honestly, i knew he was hiding something because he sleeps with the light on. he shouldn't be scared of the dark if he's a so called  'drug dealer'.