the sun - charlie gillespie

thirty five

i was sitting on the snow filled porch and i had noticed i never learned to cry with style, silently, the pearl-shaped tears rolling down my cheeks from wide luminous eyes, i wished i had; then i could have done it in front of people, instead of in bathrooms, in darkened movie theatres and empty bedrooms, among the party coats on the bed.

charlie and i we'd start slow, the way we always did, because the run, and the relationship, could go on for awhile. maybe even forever.

but that was the thing. i just never knew. forever was so many different things. it was always changing, it was what everything was really all about. it was twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant i wished would last and last.

but there was only one truth about forever that really mattered, and that was this: it was happening.

maybe that's what forever meant.

"there you are," came a low murmur,opening my eyes, i come across hudson behind me, standing at the terrace door,. i quickly wiped to tears with the sleeves of my hoodies as if the situation weren't sad enough,

"i wasn't breathing well inside. i thought it best for me to come outside a bit," the lies just rolled right out of my mouth. when someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration or knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do,it can't change the situation you've been put in.

"mia,it's cold, you shouldn't be outside." hudson walked toward me,sitting on the arm of the chair i was sitting in.he watched the snow fall with me, it only started snowing now, it wasn't before when i was with charlie.

"i don't care" i said as i tucked myself into my jacket i got from inside and i'm sorry i'm such a stuck up bitch at the moment, but without my anti-depressants the littlest things just piss me off.

there are many things i don't know, but quite a few i do. i know you can't be lost if you know where you are. i know that life is full of precious and fragile things, and not all of them are pretty. i know that the sun follows the moon and makes days, one after another. time passes. the world turns, and we turn with it, and though we can never go back to the beginning, sometimes, we can start again.

i've been sat out here for a good hour, my family knew i was home, i just told them that i wanted to get some fresh air.
i couldn't imagine what had gone on at owen's house when charlie got home. my heart would drop everytime i thought of it.

hudson pulled out a cylinder container.

"dad asked me to give these to you." i threw them to me and i caught them with both hands. hudson also had a cup of water. i think he wanted me to take them now, which i didn't mind because i haven't had them for a while.

"thanks." hudson sighs.

"are you okay?" he asked as i took the cup from him..

"i screwed up."i started, for once i think this was actually my fault. maybe i over-reacted "i screwed up, he slipped right through my fingers. and there's no sugar-coating it: he deserved better.a girlfriend that would care for him."

"mia-" he tried to call.

"when he asked me what i did my freetime, i panicked, not wanting to tell him-." i have no more tears left to cry.when i looked up at the reflection of the window,i could see that my eyes were gleaming red and i looked like i'd been crying for hours. i looked over at hudson's hands to see them curled up in a ball.