Romeo + Juliet | s.r

Chapter 5

TW: depressive themes

Peyton's POV:

They found out eventually. Thank god it was just the BAU, if Rio found out that would've been a completely different situation. It would probably end up in me getting stabbed by him.

I knew it was dangerous, I was getting really risky. I know from experience not to get attached. No one ever stayed, no matter how hard I tried to keep them. Every so often, I would get a drop of affection, of reassurance, and I would cling to it. I would cling to it so bad that the other person would always end up tired. I don't blame them, I know I'm a lot to handle. I just wish someone would understand sometimes.

They never do though.

Rio would tell me that we had a lot in common. We were just two people, beyond repair because of the people we were surrounded by ever since we were born. It wasn't our fault, we didn't get to pick. But it was a draw, and we just, unfortunately, got unlucky.

When I was little, I'd look out my bedroom window, so badly wishing to be those kids playing in the park with their friends. Their normal, happy friends. They would laugh and dance, eyes so lit up. They viewed their world with bright colours, whereas mine was in black and white.

That day in the car, kissing in the rain, I finally felt worthwhile. Someone had wanted me. I knew he would leave, that was for the best anyway, but these small valuable moments I got to spend with him, they were in colour. I wasn't dim and dull. He brought colour into my life, and as stupid as that sounds, it was true. That's what it felt like, because sometimes, you just can't put your feelings into words.

Once I got that colour, I didn't want to let it go. For the first time, I wished Spencer would leave me, because I was draining him. I was draining him of colour, because I was sprinting to restore all the colour I never got before, the colour I craved all my life. Quickly, I realized I needed to stop. He needed to break up with me. Sure, I wasn't exactly the perfect human being. Actually, I was far from it, but I had never been so sure of something before, this wasn't about me. I needed to save him from myself. I needed to let him have his colour, I never deserved it.

Just like that, I had made up my mind, 2 months too late. I should have stopped. Sitting in the dark, the breeze coming from the open window making me shiver as thoughts ran wild in my head. Spencer gave me all he could, but I knew he wouldn't stop until he had given me everything. And knowing me, I wasn't going to stop before I had taken it all. I couldn't hurt Spence, he tried so hard to fulfill me. But, I can't be satisfied. I always mess it up. So, instead of finishing up my paperwork, I sat there in the bullpen. Wishing I never agreed to come here. I loved it here. Too much. You're too attached now. You can't be happy, you'll ruin everyone else. Don't you know? You always take from others, You don't deserve to be happy. End it. It has to end.

The next few days, I picked fights over the littlest, idiotic things, but he never did what I needed him to do. He'd always find a way to tell me it's not my fault, that everyone makes mistakes. Why couldn't he just let me go, I'm not good enough for him.

"Oh my god, Spencer! How many times have I told you to not leave the tv on!" God, I couldn't even find a better excuse to be mad at him.

"Oh, um, I'm sorry. It slipped my mind. So much for an eidetic memory huh?" He laughed awkwardly. Oh, how much I was going to miss that. "You've told me three times to be exact." His voice was quiet, but it snapped me out of my thoughts. My dangerous thoughts. My mind could be a scary place sometimes.

"Seriously Spence, you never listen!" I couldn't stop my lip from quivering and I hated how my voice came out shaky. The tears slipped out before I could stop them.

His gentle, soft voice called out, "Hey, why are you crying? I'm sorry I should know better." Spencer slowly walked towards me, not sure how I'd react.

It was all this pent up frustration, day after day, thinking about the same thing over and over. It never seemed to go away. I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew I was going to end up hurting him anyways. I always knew, I was just too damn selfish. I should have stopped.

Everything I had been holding back for these past weeks, came rushing to the surface. I collapsed, but Spence caught me. He'd somehow always catch me when I felt like I was falling back into the deep walls of my mind. I had trouble with organizing and processing my thoughts. I never told him, but I think a part of him knew something was up.

"It's okay, angel, you're okay." I laid there in his arms, barely being able to see because of my tears. But I didn't need to see him. I could hear his comforting voice, and I could feel his soft hands stroking my hair. I knew it hurt him seeing me like this. I had fallen in love, and love made you weak. But right now, in this moment, I didn't care. As much as I hated showing vulnerability, I didn't mind if Spencer saw me like this. He would never use it against me.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." My voice came out in choked sobs. Spencer just shook his head.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you want to talk about it?" He just smiled at me. That beautiful damned smile.

Yes! Yes, I want to tell you everything, I want to back out. I don't want to hurt you.

I just shook my head.

No matter how bad I wanted to tell him, I couldn't. If I did, he would leave me. That's what you wanted, remember?

"That's perfectly okay." Spencer murmured, hugging me tighter, and I was grateful he didn't push me to answer. I let myself be in his embrace once again. I would tell him. I would tell him everything because he deserved to know the truth.

Just not right now.

We sat like that for as long I can remember. On the floor, arms wrapped tightly around each other. I rested my head on his chest, his shirt damp from my previous tears. My eyes fluttered close, Spencer's voice soft against my ears.

"I want to be able to help you." He said, kissing the top of my head delicately.

That's the thing Spence. You can't help me. I'm beyond repair.