From Within the Walls|Attack on Titan|

What are we?

A/N:  

Listen to Chase Atlantic "Friends" It definitely goes with the mood.

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I hated it.

I hated the looks that he gave her that traced her skin, the looks that I longed for. I hated the relationship that they had, the closeness that I craved so desperately. 

But the one things that I hated the most was the way his eyes glazed over with the same jealousy in my heart when she talked with someone else.

He was slowly poisoning me with his persona and I happily went along with the image of myself that he would never come to love.

But I was a soldier, with a hardened heart that would not break, and that was the promise that I gave.

But I watched, I watched as he sat under the weeping willows with her, probably talking about something he adored, as she watches with reverent eyes.

There would be no words to describe the jealousy I felt in that moment as I could only watch their backs turn away from me in the glimmering orange sunset, light wind swept through the willow letting it rustle as it led a cascade of glittering branches glow.

This private moment, I would not interfere as they deserved the peace that was so hard to come by in this world. I would not let myself be wavered by a simple thing as emotions. Something so simple yet so complicated, an interchanging and ever changing thing. 

I walked off calmly, delicately, as if every step could lead to my downfall.

 I walked to the stables and did stable duties, calmly and quietly, like how I normally did as a Captain I had my own bounty of duties, especially as the youngest captain of the survey corps. 

Fresh out of the 104th Cadet Corps, I was chosen to be an Second in Command for Captain Levi, and when he wasn't around I handled the squad on my own and that was when I fell in love with him. 

His idiotic behaviors, his suicidal stupid but magnificent ideas, his willingness to fight for freedom. 

A Captain shouldn't fall for her comrades I scoffed, especially someone who was the person she was in charge of, even if the Captain befriended him for years and went to tragedy and war with him. 

I cleaned the stables furiously trying to get the thoughts out of my head and puffed a strand of my hair out of my face only to not succeed and just spitting on a horse. 

I cursed loudly as I tried to help the horse but instead it neighed and kicked at the stall door.

I was confused, so confused, and utterly lost, but yet I still carried on with my duties, cleaning the stalls, being that perfect soldier.

And when I was done I left, going to my room, touching the brass handle, I gently opened the door, walking in and closing the door. 

Open going in, I sank to the ground, my head in my arms, strands of hair falling down tickling my finger tips. 

I couldn't hold the mess of emotions inside anymore, as I felt the waves crash out of me, the dam breaking, tears streaking down my face, ugly sobs ribbing out. 

I tried to quiet myself to no avail, choking on my emptiness, my loneliness, the utter pain.

I lied. I lied to myself, I would be strong, but here I was sobbing on the floor, my mind scattered, and a broken heart that could only be repaired by a pair of green eyes.

A knock rang on the door, and I immediately straightened up and tried to compose myself, hiccups still prominent.

"Who is it?" I asked, wiping off tears off of my face.

"It's me," the familiar voice of a certain boy that I knew answered, "Captain are you okay?"
"It's fine," I answered, not wanting him to see me in such distress, no less that it was caused by his stupidity.

He ignored me as he pushed open the door and saw me standing there with red puffy eyes, and embraced me immediately, the warmth of his arms engulfing me as I stood there paralyzed.

I broke down sobbing as he slowly moved me to the floor still cradling me in his arms like I was fragile, like he wanted to keep me safe.

"It's going to be okay," he murmured into my hair, patting my hair and slowly caressing my back.

We sat there, on the floor as I slowly cried, tears falling down, crystalline droplets on his green scouts hood, turning the fabric into a darker shade.

And when I finally quieted down, resolving into hiccups and stray drops falling, he spoke.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked sincerely, his green eyes staring into my own.

If he had known, if he knew, if he felt the same, would it be okay?

"Not today," I murmured back, my heart begging me to tell him, to express myself, for him to pressure me.

But he went silent and distant again.

As I regained my composure and we both noticed the awkward air between us, it was like our memories sailed back.

The memories of us, as I first helped him during training, and them when I taught him how to fight, and then those private moments in the moonlight.

The obvious connection that we had, the link, the bond.

But alas,

He was the right person, wrong time.

So when I asked,

"What the hell are we?"

"I don't know," he answered quietly, his eyes dropping to the floor.

And that was that.

A/N: 

I don't know if you had ever felt like this but this chapter was an interesting one to write.

Your self worth doesn't depend on someone's love for you or the way they think about you. Remember that.

Anyway enjoy the time that you have love, as it usually tends to run away.

Comments and Votes are very appreciated!