Planning Your Future

Loathing

December 31, 1992

Veronica's POV

JD and I have been acting super awkward around each other since we had that talk. I wouldn't have said it if I knew he'd get upset. I thought he'd agree with me. But I guess not. We exchanged gifts on Christmas but we only said "thank you" and went on our way. The weird thing is that it's not even really a fight we're going through. We just feel weird talking to each other.

Today we have the New Years party so we will get to talk there. I get ready, taking as long as I possibly can. I'm definitely stalling. I don't want to go just yet. I'm just afraid our talk will turn into a fight, which will turn into make-up sex as per usual. "Are you ready?" My dad asks. "Almost." Now I can't stall anymore. I start to get dressed. I stop in front of the mirror. My scar is faded but still there. I look away and focus on getting dressed. I haven't talked about the incident in a while. I've been shutting down any question Dr. Akopian asks about it. I thought I was fine now that JD and I are together again. But we don't talk about it. I don't know how to talk about it with him. So I just never bring it up.

I show up to the party. Jill hugs me when she sees me. "Hey Veronica." She smiles as she lets go of me. "Hi." I smile back. "How are you today?" She asks. "I'm good." I lie. "I'm glad to hear it." She pats me on the arm.

I look around for JD. I can't see him anywhere. He lives here, why is it so hard to find him? "Hey. Could you help me with something?" Heather asks me. "I guess." She leads me to their garage. "What do you need help with?" The garage is almost completely empty. I hear the door shutting and the sound of a door locking. "Heather! What the hell?" I pound on the door. I just sit down on one of the few things in the room. I look up when I hear the sound of a lock being turned. Alyssa walks in. "What are you-" She starts to say before Heather locks the door again. She bangs on the door as well. She eventually gives up. She sits across from me.

"I am in Hell." I shake my head. "I'm not happy to be stuck in here with you either." Alyssa says. "Oh no! I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings. It must be so hard." I roll my eyes. "Maybe if you went through what I've been dealing with since I was fifteen, you'd be more sympathetic." She scoffs. "You couldn't even trust me to deal with it. You just abandoned me to deal with it myself. I fixed it and he got rid of the picture you were so scared of." I tell her. "Wait. Why didn't you tell me this?" She asks. "Because I was still mad at you. I also didn't think it would be enough." I was scared she'd still refuse to be with me. "Well that's stupid. So you knew that the thing that was stopping us was out of the way, but you said nothing? Then you went on to date someone you told me you were unhappy with! You're so stubborn you sacrificed your own happiness because you were mad at me." She shakes her head, getting up.

"What makes you think I'm still unhappy?" I ask. "I work at the agency. I can hear you guys fighting. I've seen you two during a few rehearsals. That's how I know you're unhappy." I scoff, "You don't know what you're talking about." I get up too. "I do. And I'm not saying you have to stop being friends with him. But deep down, I know you know I'm right. You two do not have a healthy relationship!" She yells. "Fuck you, Alyssa." I cross my arms. "You can spend how every long you want loathing me. But it won't change the fact that you and him aren't good for each other." She goes to the door and tried to open it again. This time, it works. She storms away.

Heather gives me an ashamed look when I come out of the garage. "Fuck you." I push past her. "Hey, can we talk?" JD comes up to me. "Yeah." He takes me upstairs. "Listen, I'm really sorry about the other day. You're honestly right. We do use sex to push off dealing with our issues. I'm sorry I shut down after that." He's not looking at me. When he turns around, he sees my pissed off expression. "What's wrong? Is it something I said?" He asks. "No. Heather thought it was a good idea to lock Alyssa and I in the garage. We got in a fight." I tell him. "I'm sorry." He rubs my arm. "It's fine. And I accept your apology. I love you and just wanted to be honest with you." I hug him. He holds me close for a while.

We stay upstairs for most of the night. I lie with my head in his lap, him running his hands through my hair. "Do you want to talk about it?" He finally asks. "Not really. She was just being a bitch." I sigh. "Well if you want to talk about it, I'm here."

"There you are! It's almost midnight." Jill stands in the doorway. "We're coming." JD starts to get up. I do the same. We go downstairs. Alyssa and James are sitting in the corner. Heather is watching them.

We do the countdown and the kiss. I purposefully make eye contact with Alyssa afterwards. She flips me off and goes outside. James looks over at me. "I'll be right back." I tell JD. "Why is Alyssa so mad at you? What did you do to her?" James doesn't seem happy. I completely forgot James doesn't know. "It's nothing. Nothing you need to concern yourself with. And if you want to blame someone, blame Heather. She put us in the situation we're in." If she hadn't locked us in that garage together, this wouldn't be the way it is. "I thought it was nothing." He's got me there. "I can't tell you even if I wanted to." I look at the back door, seeing Alyssa sitting on the edge of the back porch. "Why not?" He asks. "Because. I just can't. Okay? Leave it alone James." I go out back.

"What do you want?" Alyssa looks back. I don't say anything. "What do you want?" She repeats. "Do I have to want something to come out here?" I sneer. "You rub your relationship in my face and then come out here to what: Do it some more?" She stands up to face me. "You're the one who said things about my relationship. You were asking for it." I step closer. "I only said that because I care about you! And I don't want you to be with someone who isn't good for you, Veronica." She also steps forward. "I don't need you to tell me what's good for me, Alyssa." Putting extra emphasis on her name to mock how she said mine. "I can handle your loathing- or even hating of me. I just care about you. You know you matter to me. But you refuse to see that. If you're willing to throw that away just to prove a point, you're not as smart as you think you are." We are now a few inches from each other. This is so stupid. Just a few months ago, I was in love with this girl. "I don't hate you. I don't even loath you. I care about you too." I say. "Really? What about what you said today?" She asks. "I didn't mean that. I was just mad." The way I've treated her is not fair to her. She looks at my lips. I find myself leaning in. We kiss until I realize what I'm doing. "Um... I." I touch my lips, shocked and disappointed in myself. "I have to go." I go inside, making my way to the exit. "Veronica I'm so sorry. I should not have done that." Alyssa follows me outside. "It's fine. We don't need to talk about it." I get in my car.

I get home and lean against the door. I slide down, pulling my legs to my chest. I proceeded to have a panic attack on the floor. I cannot believe that just happened. JD is gonna hate me when he finds out. If he finds out.