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chapter 6

Cause for every lie I tell them, they tell me three ~TS, i did something bad

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Helplessness.

Not a fun feeling. But something I feel quite often.

Like when nobody believes you even though you're telling the truth. Or when you try so hard and it's still not enough. Loving someone so much when you know they just don't love you back.

When your own body doesn't feel like it's yours anymore. And you don't know how to change that.

Sometimes I feel helpless. Like no matter what I do, sometimes I just can't change things and make them right.

Life's not fair. No matter how much you want it to be.

That thought makes me feel helpless. But I've experienced life's unfairness time and time again. And I've learned from it.

When you feel helpless, when you feel hopeless, you can't give up. You have to keep going. Do the next right thing.

That's what my therapist always says. She told me again today.

Take a breath. And do the next right thing.

I have mixed feelings about therapy. Usually I don't want to schedule a time once a week to reminisce on the worst night of my life and talk about how it affected me. But I always find what we talk about helpful as I'm going through my day.

Learning to live with what happened to me has been hard. After it happened, I felt so helpless. So violated. I didn't even know what to think, let alone what to do.

But now, I've learned so much. My counselors, my therapist, they helped me learn how to cope. How to accept what happened and not let it stop me from living my life.

I just got out of a therapy session and I'm headed straight for the gym. I have a membership at this gym downtown. It's awesome. It has great workout equipment and an awesome section for boxing with great punching bags. And the best part is the park. The back door opens up to a section of the public park with a little trail that circles through the park. It's my favorite place to run.

Running is one of my favorite hobbies. That and boxing. Running has always been a good stress outlet for me. It helps me get my mind off things. It's something I can do when I need a break from everything. But it's something I can do for me that won't leave me feeling guilty for not being productive or feeling like I'm wasting my time. It's the perfect outlet.

Once I'm in the locker room, I throw my hair in a ponytail and make my way to the back door towards the park trail.

Another great thing about the trail is that it's very open. There's a few trees here and there to make the scenery nice. But you can still see straight to the main area of the park that's always crowded with families and kids and teenagers. I wouldn't feel comfortable running on a secluded, heavily wooded trail where anyone could come snatch me up.

Not long after I start my run, my stomach starts to growl. Loudly.

Shit. I forgot to stop by the cafe. I was going to go to the little coffee shop by my therapist's office but I was running late. Then I was gonna after my appointment, but I really wanted to go on a run, so I forgot. That means I haven't eaten all day since I was planning on a late lunch. I'll grab something after this.

I picked up my pace as I rounded a corner. My side is starting to cramp and the sweat is running down my back and face. I can hear the thump of my tennis shoes against the pavement in a steady rhythm.