Back to The Start

chapter 29

I'm on my guard for the rest of the world but with you, I know it's no good ~TS, Sparks Fly

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//**TW** Mentions of sexual assault //

Well the rest of my day was shit. 

I dragged myself from class to class, fighting to stay awake and trying to pay attention. The worried glances I got from my brother weren't helping. I kept assuring him all day that I was fine and it was nothing to worry about. 

Noah and my mom experienced the worst of my nightmares in those initial weeks after it happened. Nights when I would wake up screaming and crying and begging for it to stop. Thats what originally sent me to therapy and then I got referred to a rehab facility where I could get better on my own terms. 

So I'm sure he suspects that I'm having nightmares again, but since they're nothing compared to my old ones, I don't think he's too worried about me. Luke on the other hand... 

I almost punched him today for all his worried glances he sent me. And now I'm out on my roof waiting for him to come over so we can "work on our project". And I do intend to work on it and not talk about my nightmares which I'm sure Luke wants to do. He doesn't understand how fucked up I really am and I'd like to keep it that way. I want him to see me as normal and pretty and happy, not broken and sad and pitied. 

So now I'm out on my rooftop spot laying down and staring at the sky while I wait for Luke to get here. There's lots of stars out tonight, some bright, some dull, some twinkling. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Big balls of light, or gas or whatever, shining in an empty wasteland of darkness. It seems like a parallel to earth to me. 

Stars are like people. Desperately trying to keep their fire burning and glowing, despite the smothering darkness around them. 

The world is a bad place, full of bad things and bad people. There's so much darkness in the world. It's easy to get smothered by it. So easy to get discouraged by the terrible things that happen around the world and in your own life. We all have a fire in us, a hope that with all the darkness, light can be there too. Good things can happen and beautiful people can find us. We just have to survive the dark to get to the light. 

And looking at the stars reminds me of myself. A small speck of light flickering in a sea of darkness. So many bad things have knocked me down and a lot of times it feels like I'm fighting against it, trying to keep my light from snuffing out. 

A distant thud snaps me out of my thoughts. I sit up as I hear another thud of a car door and then voices coming from the other side of the house. I guess Noah and Luke just got back from practice. I decide to leave the blanket and pillow I brought out here since I plan on coming back when Luke's gone. 

I maneuver around the rooftop to my window and climb ungracefully back into my room. Just as I'm swinging my leg over the open window, someone knocks on my door. 

"Come in." I say quickly as I push my glasses up to rest on top of my head. 

The door opens slowly and Luke peeks his head inside and smiles when he sees me. And good lord does he look hot as hell right now. His hair is damp from a shower I'm guessing, his cheeks are slightly flushed, and his gym shorts and shirt leave plenty of tan, muscled skin on display.