Peter Parker One Shots

{...What the Hell Kid?}

Requested by anonymous: AUTHOR!!! I LUV LUV LUV YOUR ONESHOTS💕 Can you pretty please write a funny au where Peter is a dramatic little vampire and Tony is an exasperated dad? You don't have to if you don't want to, but I read this one-shot somewhere once and have never seen it again, and I wanted to see what you would do with this prompt. Bonus if the rest of the Avengers are there too. Thank you so much 😊😊

Disclaimer: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
Humpty Dumpty realized it was because,
He didn't own Marvel at all.

 TW: Dramatic bish Peter. Somewhat crack-ish. I had so much fun writing this lol. Tony Stark is a tired Iron-Dad.

**********

Tony was expecting to walk into the living room and see the team+Peter sitting on the couch and watching a movie. Maybe Clint being scolded by Nat, or Bucky and Sam wrestling(playfully or not, he stopped trying to understand months ago). Bruce sitting on the couch, reading some book, or maybe Steve sketching something.

What he didn't expect to see was Peter Benjamin Parker dressed in a suit with goddamn ruffles and a collar, lying on the couch with his arms crossed over his chest in a cliche vampire pose, candles lit and eyes closed. The team was standing on the sidelines, looking very amused.

Why is funeral music playing over FRIDAY's speakers?

Tony slowly shuffled over to Wanda, "What the fuck is he doing?"

Wanda whispered back, "We have no idea. He just randomly came in the living room, pushed all of us away from the couches, settled all of this, and just laid down. We were waiting for you."

Tony sighed and nodded, cautiously inching towards the vampire kid. 

"Kid?"

Peter's eyes immediately flew open and he sat up, back ramrod straight. He noticed Tony and dramatically sagged back on the couch, slowly resuming his former pose.

"...Kid, what the actual fuck are you doing?"

"Oh, Mr. Stark," Peter sniffed, "I was reading about vampires online to know more about them-"

"You already are a vampire," Steve reminded from the side. 

"-Hush Steve. And-and I just read, that-" Peter sniffled, "Vampires can't eat garlic. It kills them within 5 hours," he wailed.

Ba-dum-tish. You could literally FEEL the amusement radiating off FRIDAY.

Tony blinked.
Once.
Twice.
He looked at the others to check if he had heard it right.
He blinked again.

"Okay..." Tony trailed off. Fuck, mom didn't train me for this.

"Why are you lying like this then, Pete?" Nat thankfully asked from beside Steve.

Suspenseful music played.

"I read the article, and I was like, okay. But then I remembered I'm a vampire too," he burst into tears, "WHILE EATING GARLIC KNOTS. I'M GOING TO DIE MR. STARK. DIE."

Sad music played in the background. Tony glared at FRIDAY's nearest camera.

Tony sighed heavily, looking at the team for some support. Clint was silently dying of laughter, and Bucky had his head in his hands. The rest looked a bit too amused for his tastes.

"Pete, kiddo, remember when we had that pizza last night?" he asked patiently.

"Yeah," Peter said, smiling sadly, "I won't ever have pizza again, Mr. Stark. Because I'll be DEAD."

"Baby, cucciolo, sweetheart, tesoro," Tony cooed, banging his head against a metaphorical wall, "The pizza had garlic in it. So that means..."

Peter stared at him for 2 minutes straight.

"Peter it shouldn't take you this long to answer this," Bruce called out.

"This means that..." Tony tried again.

"...I'M NOT A VAMPIRE??!"