Peter Parker One Shots

{WHAT THE HELL STEVEN??!}

...I... don't know why I did this... but I regret nothing.

TW:
C
R
A
C
K
🙃
PeterxStevexBucky, but this has nothing to do with my Supersoldiers series.

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Summer has come in
Sing loudly, cuckoo!
Seed grows and meadows bloom
And the wood springs forth anew.
Sing, cuccu!-

"Mr. Parker," Mrs. Warren raised an eyebrow, "You know the rules."

Peter sighed and stood up, already cursing Steve in his head.

"Hello?" 

"Petey," the unmistakable voice of Captain America came over the phone. Flash stopped mocking Peter, face deadly white, "Where are you?"

"I'm at school, Steve, you already know that."

"Why?" Steve whined, "I miss you," he... slurred?

"Steve... are you drunk?" Peter asked, bewildered.

"Noooooooooooooooo," Steve said.

"STEVEN GRANT ROGERS!!" Tony Stark's voice came from the speaker.

"Oh shit," Steve cursed, and the class gasped dramatically. Captain America... cursing?

"Who the actual hell have you called?" Tony asked, exasperated.

"I called the love of my life, Petey," Steve said, giggling.

Peter slammed his head on the table.

"You called Peter?" Tony shrieked.

Sounds of scuffling came over the speaker.

"Hello? Pete?" Tony asked.

"Yes, Mr. Stark?" Peter sighed, head in his hands.

"Sorry kiddo. The entire team except for Clint for plot convenience and I got drunk and- NO BAD STEVIE-"

Clatters came from the speaker and Peter slammed his head on the desk again.

"STEVE, BUCKY STOP. NO, BAD BUCKY. BAD STEVE. GET OUT OF THERE. CLINTON FRANCIS BARTON. GET YOUR ASS HERE AND TAKE STEVE AND LOCK HIM IN THE CLOSET."

"Peter," Bucky slurred on the phone.

"Hello James," Peter sighed, the huge welt on his forehead already healing from slamming his head on the table.

"I love you, loads and loads," he said seriously.

"I love you loads and loads too, Buck, but can you give the phone to Mr. Stark?"

"Anything for you, doll," Bucky actually fucking giggled.

"Yeah, sorry kid," Tony's voice came again, "Steve and Bucky were making out," he gagged, "In the walk-in fridge. Right now, Bucky is with me and Steve is locked in the closet with Clint guarding him."

"You're a jerk, Stark, I don't want to guard Steve," Clint's voice came.

"Clint... if you're here," Tony said calmly, "WHERE THE HELL IS CAPSICLE?" he screamed.

Peter looked helplessly at MJ.

MJ:

"I'm here," Steve's voice came, slurring.

"NO STEVE PUT THAT DOWN."

"BUT I LOVE HIM. SPIDER-MAN IS SO HOT."

"Yes, Steve bUT YOU CANNOT ROAM AROUND WITH A CARDBOARD CUT OUT OF SPIDER-MAN CLINTSTOPLAUGHING."

"NO, I WILL NEVER LEAVE MY SPIDEY."

"I WANT SPIDEY TOO," Bucky suddenly interjected.

"NO, HE'S MINE," Steve yelled back.

"WE SHOULD SHARE HIM LIKE WE SHARE PETEY-PIE," Bucky shouted.

"What the fuck is happening," Betty asked, hand on her forehead.

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT IT," Tony screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH IT'S IRON-MAN," Bucky shrieked. A thump and a shriek came over the speaker.

.

.

.

"WHAT THE HELL STEVEN??! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING BUCKY?" Tony yelled.

"WE'RE  GOING TO PETEY-PIE," Bucky declared.

"NO. Petey-pie is coming here," Tony said, "Come here kid," he growled on the phone.

"Yeah, okay, I'm coming," Peter sighed, slowly, dejectedly packing his bag.

"Sorry," Mrs. Warren interrupted, "But you cannot take a student out of class like that."

"Listen whoever the fuck this is," Tony started politely, "Steve Rogers, that is Captain America, and James "Bucky" Barnes, that is the White Wolf, is currently planning to come to your school on a motorcycle while they're both drunk to meet their boyfriend which is Peter Benjamin Parker sO FOR FUCK'S SAKE WILL YOU LET HIM LEAVE??"

"OkAy he can leave," Mrs. Warren said, eyes wide and voice cracking.

Peter slowly trudged out, taking his phone off-speaker on the way.

"...what the fuck?"

**********

what have I done?