The Trouble with Kissing Connor

Chapter 29 (Connor)

I climbed the tree and sat in my usual spot. I don't know why I'd gone there because Sadie was everywhere. I could see the carvings we'd made in the tree together over the years, and there was even a small piece of blue wool stuck to a twig, from the time she'd ripped her cardigan.

I thought back to the day when I'd found out my parents were getting divorced, how she'd skipped school to come looking for me, and how we'd sat together for hours. We hadn't said a word, but somehow I was comforted. I traced my fingers over one of the carvings:

C & S

Best friends 4 eva

I remembered that day too. We were just 12, and we'd thought about slicing our palms to seal our friendship "in blood," but both chickened out and decided just to spit and shake on it instead. In fact, if I thought back over the past ten years of my life, there was barely a memory that didn't involve Sadie. She had always been there for me. So why am I so mad at her now?

I tried to wrap my head around it all. The sequence of events. She'd known who kissed me from the start; from the day we'd sat here and chewed all that gum together. She'd listened to me for hours as I spoke about trying to find her, and there she was, in front of me the whole time. Why didn't she just tell me?

I thought of the party I'd organized with all the girls – She'd let me do it. And then the emails. She must have been emailing me while I was right there. Literally, behind my back. And how the hell had McKenzie gotten involved? I still didn't get that part.

There were so many parts to this things, and some were worse than others. There was Sadie kissing me at the party and not telling me– I could forgive that, I could see why she wouldn't tell me. And then there was her setting up an email account and messaging me through it, catfishing me– I could almost forgive that too, almost. But what I didn't think I could forgive was her lying about her parents getting divorced. She'd used that lie to manipulate my feelings, even if she'd been trying to make me feel better.

The divorce was so raw and painful and the idea that my best friend would make up an elaborate lie about 'her divorce' just felt patronizing. Like she was mocking me and making light of it. Lying. That's the part that really got to me. I kicked a small branch off the tree. And then another one, it felt good to snap off the little branches. There was something quite soothing about being destructive right then. But when there were no more little branches to snap, I grabbed my head between my hands—God, This is so fucked up. I couldn't think straight. It had been the craziest, most eventful and volatile three weeks of my entire life. My thoughts were racing and spiralling now. Thank god my phone beeped and snapped me out of it. I reached into my pocket. It was Brett.

Brett: Don't tell me ur fucking up all my hard work!

I guess he heard about the fight.

Connor: Did you know it was her?

Brett: Does it really matter if it was her?

Fuck. He knew too and also hadn't told me. Was everyone I knew a liar?

Connor: YES it matters! She lied to me. She put me through hell.

Brett: AND U DON'T THINK YOU'VE PUT HER THROUGH HELL?!

I was ready to send another angry response, but as I stared at Brett's message, his words hit home. I had put her through hell...for so many years. My phone beeped again:

Brett: Should she have made up an email address and pretended to be someone she was not, someone who's parents were divorced? NO! 

Brett: But can you see why she did it? YES! All she's ever wanted for so long is to be close to you, and in some fucked up way, she found it. It was stupid of her, it was messed up, but she did it because she is so in love with you.