The Trouble with Kissing Connor

Chapter 34 - Sadie

It was 2:30 am in the morning and I'd been staring at my computer screen for hours. A million tabs were open.

Flights.

Accommodation.

Train trips.

Bookings, bookings, bookings.

I was at the final stage with all of them. Card and payment details entered, all I had to do was press 'pay' on each one and then it would be real. My trip around the world. By myself. No Connor.

I sighed loudly. I needed to click the button soon because it felt like something was pressing down on my ribcage and it hurt. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard. Pressing those buttons wasn't just 'paying for stuff' it was making the decision to change my entire life, or what had been my life for the last decade. My bedroom door squeaked open, and I turned to see a tired- looking McKenzie standing in my doorway.

"I saw your light was still on. You okay?" She yawned and it was one of those contagious ones, I felt myself yawn just seconds later.

"Not really," I admitted.

McKenzie pulled up a chair and sat next to me. "Okay... what do we have here." She pulled my laptop towards her and started clicking through the tabs.

"Inca trail... climbing Machu Pee... shoe... mashooo... Much... " She stumbled. "Ok, climbing some cool mountain and looking at some awesome ancient ruins that you've always wanted to see! NEXT!"

She clicked to the next one and read, "Discover Greece: from spectacular Santorini sunsets to the whitewashed houses & windmills of Mykonos. Tour ancient Athens, the Acropolis & more..." She eyed me. "They forgot to add, lie on amazing beaches, swim in crystal blue waters and meet hot Greek men!"

I smiled at her as she continued. "Visit the mysterious castle of Count Dracula and enjoy a trip through an authentic Romanian village frozen in time... Ooooh, not sure about that one, but it's right up your alley! You'll love it."

She kept clicking and reading, and the more she did, the more my anxiety levels rose. When she was done she looked at me solemnly.

"So, I know I've haven't always been there with the sisterly advice..."

"So neither," I added quickly.

"True." We smiled at each other. "And I'm probably not the best person in the word to give advice generally. But..." She paused and looked at me. Her expression was filled with such compassion and love that it almost made me want to cry again. "I think you know what you need to do."

I nodded at her. I did. It was just so, so hard.

"Hey, it's just a year." She was trying to sound upbeat now, obviously for my benefit. Again, I was touched.

"A lot can happen in a year," I whispered.

"A lot of good can happen in a year!" she corrected me. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"Or wander," I quickly added.

She smiled at me. "I don't think that will happen."

"Really?" I asked perking up at that crumb of hope.

"One year apart isn't going to destroy ten years together.... Maybe you guys are meant to be?"

"Do you think we are?"

She looked like she was choosing her words carefully. "I think you guys could very well be, but I also think you both need some time and space apart from each other to find out."

I nodded, the pain of my heart breaking ripped through my entire body. I knew she was right. I knew in my gut, beneath all the twisting, knotting agony, that it was the right thing to do.

"Close your eyes, Sadie," Mackenzie said softly.

I closed my eyes and squeezed my hands together in my lap. The sounds of her clicking the mousepad felt like it went on forever, but, as soon as I heard the sound stop, I opened my eyes to her reassuring face and I cried. McKenzie hugged me and then practically dragged me to bed. She propped up my pillows and threw a blanket over me.

"Wait!" She jumped up and sped out of the room, coming back seconds later with a handful of chocolate bars. "From my secret stash," she said throwing them onto the bed and climbing on too.

"You have a secret stash?" I asked.

She nodded, her mouth full of chocolate. "Hell yeah! How else are you meant to survive mom's cooking?"

"Me too!" I said, tearing the paper off a Mars bar, my tears subsiding.

"I know. I steal from you all the time," she said.

We laughed and I felt a bit better. I felt like I was losing something, but gaining as well. And what I was gaining was so precious, that I never wanted to lose it again.