The Trouble with Kissing Connor

Chapter 38 - Sadie

I lay there looking up at the faint stars flickering in the darkening sky, feeling the weight of Connors head on my chest. The moment was so perfect. It couldn't be more perfect if I'd planned it myself. It was as if, in that moment, a forever dream had just come true. A dream that I'd been having again and again for as long as I could remember—How often do such dreams come true?

But now, all those dreamy thoughts dissolved into reality. It was finally happening, but everything about it felt wrong. It mainly felt wrong because I knew it was going to end. The timing was just so officially off. In the last seven days so much had happened and Connor and I would never be the same again. If the moment had happened a few weeks before, things would have been very different. But it hadn't. Why couldn't he have opened his eyes just a few seconds earlier?

I was going away.

"Sadie, what's wrong?" he asked.

"We shouldn't have done that," I whispered. It was the first thing that popped into mind.

"What?" He lifted himself into a sitting position. "Why?"

I stared at the stars again. The last time we'd looked up at the stars like that, I had wanted to tell him how much I loved him—I guess now I can.

"I love you Connor," I said, not taking my eyes off the bright star that was rising fast.

He fell back down on his elbow.

"I love you too, Sadie." He kissed my lips gently again. It was so bitter sweet—God, I wish this moment could last forever.

We remained silent for a long time, until I finally spoke up. "I've booked that trip for next year."

Connor nodded. "So, I'll come with you," he quickly responded. "I'll book the same flights and we'll go together. I've been saving money, just in case I would join you anyway. You know how much fun we'd have— "

I cut him off quickly before I allowed my imagination to run away with me. "No. I have to go alone." Those words were so painful to say, but I had to.

"Alone? What? Why?"

"Connor, this thing between us... it's, it's..." What were the words that McKenzie had used that had made so much sense at the time. "Consumed me and my life for so long, that I...I..." the words were slipping out of my consciousness fast, perhaps because they were the last words on earth I wanted to say right now.

"Consumed? You make it sound like a bad thing." He sounded worried.

"Maybe it is. Look what I landed up doing last week, pretending to be someone I was not and lying to you. That's crazy behaviour. That's insane." 

"Sadie, I know why you did it, and I forgive you."

"Well, maybe I don't forgive myself. Maybe I've been so obsessed with you, and so caught up in  trying to get you to love me, that's it's driven me to do things that I seriously regret. My whole life has revolved around you for so long," I paused and thought about McKenzie for a moment, and the thought of her gave me the courage to say the next thing. "It's also cost me. A lot. Like my relationship with my sister."

"What do you mean? She's been awful to you."

"No. It's not what we thought. All this time, she's been hurt because I kind of dumped her for you. It wasn't cool of me to do that, Connor, and I think I need to put some energy into fixing it. And I don't think I can do that when my life revolves around you."

"Wow. Okay...You really mean that?"

I shrugged. "I think so... I mean, it's....I've been silently loving you for ten years and it's been..."

"Torture," he said.

"Yup." I nodded.

"I understand. This week was unbearable for me, not knowing how you felt, or being able to speak to you, I know it's a tiny thing compared to ten years, but—"

Silence. All I could hear were the crickets and some leaves rustling as a breeze blew through them.

"So what are you saying, Sadie?"

I swallowed hard. "I... I... don't think I can say it out loud."

"I see," he said, sounding far away.

I turned and looked at him for the first time since we'd started talking. I hadn't been able to up until then. "What did the tennis scout say?"

"He offered me a chance at a scholarship. But that would mean moving out of state to a boarding school and hardly seeing you for the rest of the year. Besides, I'm not sure I actually want to play tennis."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, not having you here this week has also given me a chance to think, and I don't think I actually enjoy tennis as much as I thought I did. I think I play it for my dad, not for me. So I don't know what I want actually. Well, that's not entirely true, I know I want you. If you'll have me?"

I shook my head and the tears started streaming down my face again. "No, Connor," I whispered. It was almost inaudible.

Connor's eyes widened. "So what are you saying? That this is over?" He looked heart broken and I was too. It took all my restraint not to ignore everything I knew was right and just kiss him again. "This was my fault," he said. "I was too late."

"No. It's no one's fault, it's just the way it is."

"Can I fix it? What can I do? I'll do anything, Sadie. You're my best friend-"

"I'll always be your best friend," I quickly added.

"Just no more than that?" he said, clearly hurt.

Another one of those nauseating silences crept in. I finally broke it.

"But I think we need a...break from each other," I said.

"Are you saying you need a break from me?" he asked. "Even as a friend?"

He sounded devastated. I was devastated. This was the single hardest, most grown up thing I'd ever done in my entire life.

"Yes," I whispered. "I need a break from you, Connor."