Addicted To You

88

It's a new day, yet I'm still living in the past, thinking about everything that has gone wrong. When I should be focusing on the present and watching how I handle the situation. I have every right to be pissed off with almost everyone.

Yesterday I scheduled a session to speak with Dr, Gonzales about the events that took place. When she answered the video call, I went off crying to her about everything. From the proposal, marriage, yesterday, the memory I had of Ritchie and even talked about Trevor. I care for him so much, the moment I started to tell her how I reacted to him telling me these things, I instantly felt bad. He too, is just as hurt as me, and he has a newborn baby to take care of in the midst of things. Gonzales didn't have to tell me anything for me to realize how I reacted wasn't needed.

"The wound was fresh, it made sense to why you dismissed him. You needed time to think about things. It's not like he knows everything that you went through." Said Gonzales.

"I'll apologize to him." I wipe my tears.

"Good." She puffs out a breath and leans closer to the camera. "So with everything going on, how do you feel like this will affect your marriage?" She said marriage as if she doesn't approve of it. But I don't react to it. 

"I don't know," I said truthfully.

"Do you plan on telling Chase everything that happened in that room?"

I shake my head at her question. "I can't tell anyone. No one would believe me."

"Amelia. That's what he printed in your mind to believe. If you chose to tell someone close to you, then they can help you fight whatever it is you are feeling. If not Chase then how about Ellie? She has been through most of the trauma with you. Didn't she share a room with you? Maybe deep down she knows, but is scared to speak on it to regard your feelings."

"I don't want to bring it up. Just tell me how I can get rid of the pain from it all."

She nods and begins to write something on paper. "I'm going to write you a prescription. You are free to take it if you want. If not that's fine too. If you were still a child, Amelia, I would have no choice but to tell Claudia this. I wouldn't tell her to force it out of you, because that's not how congestive behavioral therapy works. I would've told her to let you come to her. Now that you are an adult the same things apply. But I must say the best things for you is to learn about your stressors. To do that you need to be exposed to them rather than avoiding them. Moving to California won't do anything. All you're doing is picking up your problems and taking them to another state to gain more problems. When it hits that overload, you can and will get over anxious. Leading to panic attacks and flashbacks. Everything I told you in the past months to help your trauma you should be applying. Journaling, identifying what is causing stress, finding beliefs that you failed to see light in, self-care, exposure, and communication. All these things can help you."

She rips a piece of paper and placed it on her desk. "Amelia. I'm not supposed to say this. But I grew to love you as a human being. I have a niece that is just like you in many ways. Stubborn, loving, and mostly a pain in the ass." She laughs and I do the same. "Don't get fired for this. But you're already ahead of the game. You seek help, that's the most important thing. But you also need to seek help from those around your everyday life. The ones who love and care for you. What your father did was cruel. Yes, but if you hold on to hatred. Your heart begins to be sworn around just that."

I nod my head and throw away the tissue I blew my nose into. When our time had come to an end, I closed the laptop and buried my face in my hand.

I have so much hatred and pain in me. It's hard to even think about forgiveness. I'm getting out of bed when I get a text from Claudia.