Addicted To You

19

 I decided to take some time to work on school-related things this week instead of wasting my allowance with Delilah and getting drunk to avoid telling Nolan the truth. However, those are all the things that kept me occupied. Luckily for me, I haven't seen Chase in the past couple of weeks, and with all honesty, I have been doing simply fine.

I first realized he wasn't around when we had class the weekend after seeing Trevor's family. Then I realized that his presence wasn't around in the apartment anymore. It was weird at first. I kept expecting him to pop up from a corner or be shirtless on the couch like always.

It wasn't like I could ask Delilah or Trixi where he was. I could've emailed or texted, but I didn't need him to think I cared. It's like we completely forgot about each other, which is great because it gave me time to reflect on certain things and focus on what matters more.

Nolan and I are ok as well, at least, I think we are. I thought maybe I would've been more distant, but he's the one that's been distant. He doesn't talk to me as much anymore, and when I do call, he never answers. Or he ends the call fast enough to hang with his roomies, and I am sure that girl as well. He doesn't sound like himself when we talk on the phone.

Meanwhile, Claudia keeps telling me she's busy with work.

I wish I weren't so hard on myself about this whole situation. If I had just called Nolan the night Chase kissed me, then I would be fine, and the problem wouldn't have progressed.

It's been over a month now, and I still haven't told him.

I sat on my laptop, hovering my fingers over the call button. I could speak with Doctor Gonzales, but what good will it do? She just going to tell me the same things she told my mother about drinking. I could take a step back in my life while I'm here, and it seems I'm here for the wrong reasons. 

"I didn't think I would hear from you since you moved away." She spoke over our Zoom meeting. She grabbed her brown hair and pulled it all to the side. "I figured you would only call when you really need me. What's going on?"

And so I told her everything, from crying about my mother, cheating on Nolan, and drinking almost all weekend, lastly, Chase. I brought the devil himself.

"Wow. That's a lot to encounter." She nods. 

"Tell me about it." I sigh in disbelief. 

"How about we start off by congratulating you on moving on with your life? You made it to New York. A dream come true. Considering your busy schedule, I take it you haven't been journaling. Start there. Tell Nolan what you want to say to him on paper, and when you build up the courage, come clean. He is madly in love with you. And as for this Chase person, he doesn't seem like someone you should be around. Limit your time around him, and switch your living arrangements if it gets harder." She tells me everything I need to hear without judging me, which is exactly what I need at the moment. "Oh, and before I forget. You are in college. It's expected of you to go out and have fun. As long as you are responsible with drinking, no harm is done."

We ended off on a good note. To make sure I don't avoid her again, I went ahead and scheduled my next appointment. 

Being here, I lost sight of myself. I was a godly girl back home who wanted to do everything the right way. Now that I drifted away from the church and God himself, I don't know who I became. I finished journaling about what to tell Nolan and How I truly feel about Chase. 

He is a selfish, inconsiderate slut who only thinks of himself. He gets off on playing girls like Jenny and Trixi. He lies and charms to get himself aroused. He's disrespectful and misleading. Chase is anyone's worst nightmare. The type of man who would end up with five wives on the side. Yet why am I drawn to him?