She Will Be Loved- Ben Tyler Cook

Chapter 51

Kasey's POV

March 25, 2020

Almost 2 months have gone by now, and it still stings the same everyday. I'll wake up, and feel normal for a few minutes. But then the drowsy fog starts to clear away and I'm reminded of it. It always sinks in, and it hurts. There's no point in the wishful thinking of "oh we might get back together", and I think that's why it hurts so much. I've been letting myself mope around, because I don't know how else to handle this. I've moved on from crying myself to sleep every night to only crying a few nights every week. Not much better I guess, but progress is progress. 

But almost everything reminded me of Ben, even the little things of just going through my normal day. I'll wake up and look over at the empty space in my bed, and it reminds me of who is supposed to be there. I'll shower, and it will remind me of how Ben would always sing Christmas songs loudly in the shower during the holidays. I'll brush my teeth, and it'll remind me of the mornings we'd groggily get ready together in a comfortable silence. I'll pour my coffee, and it reminds me of how a pot of coffee would already be made by Ben and Hammer would greet me at my feet. 

I think that's why even doing the most simple task is so hard now- it'll only remind me of him. It's hard to get out of bed, because I'll have to start another day of doing normal things that somehow hurt. Not only that, but everyday is just a little bit lonelier. I see some of my friends occasionally but I honestly don't really go out much anymore. it's just- it just feels hard to exist now these days. Some days, I don't even feel like real person. I don't know if that makes much sense, but that's how I've been feeling. I know I still have a long way to go to heal, so I guess it's okay to be at this point. I'm letting myself feel all the emotions that I need to feel. 

And right now, I am letting myself contemplate my current mental state as I stare in the mirror after a shower. I'm thinking about how it feels like I'm just going through the motions lately. I only really get up because I have to. I only go to work because I have to, even though it's a job I love. I just haven't felt creatively inspired at all, I haven't set foot in a dance studio in forever unless it was for Moulin Rouge rehearsal. I've lost my drive and passion for everything, to be honest. So that's why I was currently standing in my bathrobe, trying to figure out some change I could make or something spontaneous I could do. I was tired of the whole "going through the motions" thing so I needed to do something to fix that. I needed to break the spell. I wasn't sure what, though. I sighed, still looking at myself in the mirror as if that would magically give me an idea. 

New tattoo? Fun, but I didn't have any ideas on what to get. Since the semi-colon tattoo, I've gotten three more that I really like and they were carefully planned out. Since I don't have any planned out idea for it, I decided this wasn't the best option.

New piercing? Also fun! All of my piercings are on my ears, and I've thought about getting a nose piercing. But, I'm kind of scared of needles and I'd need time to prepare for this.

Maybe I'm thinking too big. New makeup look? New recipe? Online shopping? Vacation? Paint room a new color? No, never mind. Too small. 

New hair? This. This was the one that clicked in my head. I've had the same hair practically my whole life. It's always been this wavyish texture, this same warm brown color, this same hits-right-below-chest length. When people see photos of me from when I was younger, they always point out how I look the same- and it's usually because of the hair. I always kept it the same because of ballet growing up, but now I definitely had freedom to change it up a bit. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror, already deciding that this was what I would do. I had about 2 hours before I was meeting Addie for lunch and I've never cut my own hair before, but that wasn't stopping me.