fall back ... sapnap

twenty-five.

josh valentine was pronounced dead
on the scene after being
found in his car on
the side of elm street on
december 29, 2020.

josh was the father of
anna and june valentine. he
was known as a loving father,
husband, and friend.

closed memorial will be held
by the family.

anna read the short, uninteresting obituary that the funeral home provided. her tears no longer fell, all of them wasted during the past week. one week. she had one week and they were already making her say goodbye for good- forever.

she barely knew him, barely talked too him, and yet, it stung. his death stung.

she knew from the second he left after their talk that something bad was going to happen,

why didn't she stop him?

nick had told her countless times how it wasn't her fault, he was the one drinking and driving, not her.

and she knew the boy was right, he was always right, but like said, it stung.

anna was a good at getting over things, and her progress was evident, but today was different. today it stung worse.

the stinging feeling was interrupted for a moment as she heard a knock on the door, shortly opened by nick.

her boyfriend, nick.

they never officially said anything, but after a fight with one of the funeral home workers a few days prior, she'd thought they'd just keep it 'unofficial'

they had been inside planning, setting things up, and for some reason the security would not let the boy inside. all he wanted too do was comfort the girl, help her through the thing he would never understand.

"she's my girlfriend, you fuck!" she had heard him yell, making her walk out to the front. once the security saw her face they let him in, earning a very dirty look from him as he walked past.

but now was different, today was the day.

his black suit was freshly ironed, her dress the same, as he walked over to her, sliding down the wall that she sat against.

his hand grabbed hers, and her head made its way onto his shoulder, "i love you so much, anne."

"i love you too."

"i'm sorry, i know i've said it 100 times and it's never going to fix it- but i wish there was more i could do." he sighed, his thumb drawing circles on her hand.

"you being here is enough." her voice was monotone, but she meant it,

he pulled her closer too him, if that was possible. the church-type music could be heard in the background over their breaths. anna's phone had been blowing up the past week, and you could hear it buzz from the table, making her stand up,

"anne-"

"it's fine, i want to answer it." she spoke as he stood up with her, walking towards the girl and hugging her from behind.

it was always hard for nick to give comfort towards people, and while he wasn't the biggest fan of physical touch, something about anna made him crave it.

the boy watched over her shoulder as she typed replies to people, mostly 'thank you' and 'i am doing okay.'

"i'm so proud of you." nick spoke as she clicked the phone off, finally responding to the messages she'd been putting off, even if it wasn't the best time,

she smiled up at him, before he continued to speak, "i'm so happy that you came back home. i don't know what i would do without you."

"you're an angel, thank you for being there for me." she replied as he grabbed her hand, leading her out the door,

"if this is too much for you, we can leave, okay?" nick assured her as he lead her towards the service room, whispering voices were heard as they neared the room.

they're seats in the front row felt all too close, yet so far, as if they weren't even at a funeral. the closed casket and the random preacher she'd never met didn't feel correct, almost out of place. this isn't what her father would've wanted.

so after she sat in silence, no tears falling as she continued listening to the people she hadn't talked too in years talk nonsense about how much they would miss a guy they didn't know anymore, she decided it was her turn.

nick let go of her hand hesitantly as she stood up, walking towards the front of the room. his eyes followed her, palms beginning to sweat as he became nervous for her.

"when my dad left the night of the wreck, he told me he loved me. i hadn't heard that from him in awhile." the girl spoke softly, "i think maybe i should be saying more positive things, like how he's in a better place and how much i'll miss him, and i will miss my dad. i already miss him.

"but i think one thing i should talk about today is love. my dad loved us girls more than he loved anything, and i didn't realize that for awhile. i think every time i love someone i think that they love other things more- think that they love other people more. and those thoughts made me not want to love my dad."

anna coughed slightly, not knowing exactly what words too chose next, "i think where i'm going with this is that we need to appreciate the people we have. even if they're not there exactly when we want them, or they don't want exactly what you do, you can't just pack up and leave. i packed up and left. i didn't even want to go to harvard, but when i decided that more than one person wanted other people than me i threw everything away and left."

anna finally cried as she spoke, cracking her knuckles, "i just want you guys to understand how much he loved all of us, not just me and my sister, and my mom, but how much he loved you all. even in the darkest times of his life he still tried too be there, and i took it for granted. don't take it for granted like i did."

her words were followed by silence as she stared, walking back towards nick and sitting down. he rubbed her back, giving her a soft smile, but that was it, more people came up to speak and finally the service was over. not a single "i'm sorry for your loss," nothing.

even after her words and even after this day, she just wished the people around her would appreciate her.

nick knew exactly how she felt, the unappreciation, he just hoped the candle lit dinner later that night would make her feel a little bit better.