Our Scars

Power Over Me

10

Power Over Me (Title by Dermot Kennedy)

Calling up Stella was always a good idea, especially in an emotional crisis.

Rianne and her had just gotten through the highlights of Friday night, talking on the phone, when instead of hashing things out further Stella invited her friend to come over to 51 and spend part of her Sunday there. They had done that many times before. Sometimes it was slow during a 24 hour shift so that it was possible to have a coffee break together. Rianne knew Stella couldn't get enough of gossip and drama anyway and loved the distraction at work when she hadn't a ton to do. So of course now she really hoped on some kind of kiss tell on her end and was dying to hear further details about Rianne's time with Jay. And Rianne needed someone to talk to about the latest discoveries about Andrea's supposed secret life.

After having lunch with everybody on shift, deliciously prepared by 51's newest addition to the team, Blake Gallo, they went up to Kelly's lieutenant quarters. Up there they were mostly undisturbed by any nosy people in the firehouse. After the whole idea of a women's lounge at 51 had turned into a complete disaster, this was really one of the few places where one wasn't surrounded by men all the time.

"I think I've lost my mind!" Rianne confessed as soon as Stella had closed the door, thrown herself down on Kelly's bed and offered her a piece of her private chocolate stash.

"Why the hell would you think that?" Stella patted the place next to her on the bed and Rianne followed suit by letting herself slump down.

"I was fine having no sex! I didn't need to go home with some stranger and 'do it' or something like that, but now it's all I can think about. Seems like having it just once makes you want to have more and more of it."

"I'm not surprised girl! You were living like a nun for over two years now. I personally think there is only so long one can go without. But to want more it had to be good! So? Did Jay stay the night?"

Chewing more chocolate Stella put her arms around Rianne and hugged her to her. This was nice, like a sleepover party where one could fess up to all of the little secrets only their diaries, if they still had any, knew about.

"No! When I came back from the bathroom, after I kind of had a panic attack I wanted to keep to myself, he'd gotten back into his clothes and said he had to be back at the district early in the morning. I sort of did want him to leave because I felt conflicted and confused about this whole night, and I needed to be alone, but I was also disappointed I guess. It was just awkward. And then I said something mean I think and now I don't know what to do, and I hate feeling this insecure. This just ain't me! "

"What did you say?"

Stella pulled a grimace and sucked in the air through her teeth like she had been hurt when Rianne told her:

"Ouch, that's cold! What would you like to do now?"

"I want him back in my bed again pronto. I really hate how that sounds, but it's the truth. I probably should be thinking about other things now," Rianne hid her face on Stella's shoulder, groaning and rehashing some of the highlights of last night in her mind.

How Jay's hands had felt so electrifying on her naked skin, how he had made her feel so wanted and good about herself. She couldn't remember when she'd last felt that tremendously lost in the moment, when her body had felt on fire like that the last time.

"Was it that good?" Stella pulled her closer and Rianne felt her friends excitement and the big smile she was probably wearing.

"Stella, I am not okay with this and I'm not sure how I can even feel that way, because it seems like I am being unfaithful to Andrea - although on the other hand maybe I shouldn't feel guilty about that because it seems Andrea was hiding even bigger secrets from me... "