Our Scars

All Is On My Side

53

All Is On My Side (Title by Sam Fender)

Rianne watched Jay's head gradually tilt to the side and knew that he'd probably wake with a start as soon as his chin hit nothingness, so she reached out and cradled his neck in her hand, which he turned into in his sleep. Him so peaceful and at ease was making her heart-muscles contract almost painfully every single time, just like so many things about him. That he'd closed his eyes after the lights had been switched off on the plane and was dosing now told her lots about his state of relaxation, so she had to smile when she thought back to how frustrated with himself he had been just a little over twelve days ago:

"I'm afraid I'm not very good at this!" he had almost yelled at her.

"Good at what?"

"Going on a vacation? Letting loose, relax!"

"So? Then you're just not. Maybe we'll get into a fight over it, even lots of them and we'll take it from there!"

"But I don't wanna fight with you!"

"You forget how good we are at making up!"

Whereas now easy and comfortable silence had settled over them on their way back to Chicago, there had been a lot to discuss on their outward flight. 15 hours travel time were a long while to talk things through. Although Rianne had iced him out conversation-wise until their stopover in Dallas and a shot of whiskey to be bold enough to say anything that needed to be said, just in case. On principle she couldn't have let him off the hook so easily. For the first hour together her whole body had been shaking all over, trying to deal with the devastating feeling that lingered how close he had come to miss that flight and leave her hanging out to dry. She wouldn't have wanted to explain that to anyone in her family, when they were already so excited to meet him.

"What if your father thinks I am not good enough for you?"

"Oh, you got daddy issues now? Jay, it doesn't matter what my father thinks! I will always choose you over my family, shall I write it down for you?"

She had done that for Andrea and she would do it for him all over again if necessary. Only Rianne thought that there was no need. He had survived her mum, he actually had been pretty great around her, better than she was. So her dad shouldn't be the problem. Jay had kept arguing that he knew it was different with dads and daughters. Thinking back to that long and draining argument Rianne wanted to strangle him anew for not believing in himself enough and ever doubting his abilities to win over other people by just being himself, when she had known from the start he would be totally fine.

"Why's it so hard for you to believe and see that everyone just loves you and wants you to be happy?"

"Because I ask myself why? Why do they care so much? I didn't do anything special to deserve this!"

Between crossing time zones and oceans Jay had eventually told her how everyone back home had been on his back throughout the day so that he would snap into action and get to the airport already. He seemed to be surprised that they were so invested in this. It even almost irritated him why his personal well-being and happiness were so important to them.

"You don't have to do anything specific for that love! You would have done it for your brother, wouldn't you? If you thought he was making a mistake, wouldn't you have tried to talk some sense into him?"

"Yeah, of course!"

Jay would have probably been the first one on Will's case.

"So, what 'special thing' did Will do to deserve your love?"