The Upside of Falling Back To You

chapter thirty four | heartbreak weather

nine years ago; june 2021; grade 11

THERE'S A STORM raging outside. It's been a while since we got the whole package - pouring rain, gusting winds, roaring thunder and lighting bright enough to light up a room in the middle of the night.

It's as if it was conjured by me. A mixture of the pain and anger that I was feeling right now in the way Mother Nature wants to display it. The pitter-patter of the rain against the window was the background as I was stuck in my thoughts.

I had a pile of culminating projects to do and exams were just around the corner. Yet here I was, thinking about that stupid brown hair, brown eyed boy that just happened to have control of my head and my heart, and I couldn't do much else without them.

There's a knock on my door. I sniffed, wiped away the tears in my eyes and told them to come in. Mom must've just come home from work since she was still in her uniform and her hair was frayed from the wind in the short moments when she was out. She has a small smile on her face.

I don't say a word as she placed her purse on the desk and leans against it. I sit cross-legged on my bed, facing her. My arms are placed in the pockets of my - I mean, Ronan's hockey hoodie.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm wearing it right now.

"I think it's a little too warm to be wearing that," was the first thing she says.

Pursing my lips, I reply: "The AC is too cold."

"Okay," she accepts my response. Mom turns around and looks at my bulletin board. Her eyes fall on the most recent addition: pictures from the photobooth of me and Ronan at last week's end of year carnival, a final fun school event before the stress of the end of the year. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. Mom tilted her head as if to say are you sure about that? Sighing, I ran my fingers through my head.

"Why do I care so much about him? Why do I care so much about our relationship?" I sniffed. Thunder growled outside. "It's high school, how much do high school relationships even mean? You and Dad met in university - we're probably going to end up doing that with different people. So why do I keep trying to make this work?"

Mom digs into her purse and grabs her bottle of water and hands it to me. "That's a lot to unpack." I take the bottle from her and take a drink. I didn't realise how thirsty I was, emptying most of the bottle in one go. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

The water bottle crunches as I squeeze it. I closed my eyes. "I..." What did happen between us this time? "I don't even know if I can put it into words, Mom." I pause. "Sometimes I just wish I could go back in time and audition for the grade ten musical. Then Kari wouldn't have been in the picture if I got the part. Ronan and I would be fine - that's where everything went sour, right? Like, something happened that night and we couldn't go back to that."

Mom sat on the bed beside me. "You asked how much high school relationships are going to mean in the future, right?" I looked to her. Nice of her to alter the topic, huh? "They'll mean nothing if you want them to mean nothing. It'll leave a mark on you whether you like it or not, relationships with people change you as a person. But if you want Ronan to just be another person you date, that's your choice to make."

"But-" I swallowed the pit in my throat. "I want it to work, Mom. I want it to mean something." I sniffed, looking straight at the board. "I want to make it through university and, I don't know, move in together. Adopt a dog or something." I looked back up at her. "Am stupid to be thinking so far into the future already?"

Mom shook her head. "I don't think it's stupid. It's sometimes nice to have a picture of what you want - it makes things easier. And if Ronan is the person for you, you'll find a way to that future."