The Upside of Falling Back To You

chapter forty three | chaos theory

SURPRISE, SURPRISE - I wake up in Ronan's arms in the morning.

Well, not exactly. More like we both passed out on the couch after returning from our adventure from last night. I woke up with his foot inches from my face, since we ended up sleeping on opposite ends of the couch.

I sat up and rubbed the back of my neck. There was nothing fun about sleeping on the couch, my neck tight and sore from the strange angle my head was in. Getting off the couch without waking Ronan was tricky, but I managed, dodging his limbs to get my feet on the floor.

I guess I was too tired to care about my dress, which was now covered in wrinkles. Whatever. Laziness took over me and dragged myself to the kitchen. I turned the coffee maker on and walked around as it brewed. Eventually, my gaze focused outside, at the city. I stood right in front of the window. So many people were up and out of their houses, getting on with their days, and we were hundreds of meters above them.

And it got me thinking: yes, this was my dream. An apartment in the middle of the city, being able to look over everyone, but if I remembered correctly, it was not Ronan's. Ronan told me he wanted a big house with a huge backyard. He wanted to sit on a porch and watch the sut set, he wanted a space in the back to make a hockey rink in the winter and lie on the grass in the summer.

This wasn't his dream, at least not what I remembered. This was mine.

"The view is great, isn't it?" When I turn around, Ronan's standing beside me. I didn't hear him get up, let alone him grabbing two mugs and filling it with coffee. He handed me one. "It's calm up here, not much going on."

"Yeah," I say, taking a sip. "It's incredible."

And then I think about last night. You wanted to see the stars, I wanted to take you. He said those when we were in high school, he said those on the cabin trip. How original of him but... how strangely sweet.

"I have something for you, Aster," he says suddenly. My ears perk up, confused.

I highly doubt he had the gift all night stuffed in his pant pocket, but he reached into it and pulled something out. My breathing stopped as I saw it - a key on a single ring. I knew what it was to - it had to be to his apartment.

So instead of being grateful, instead of taking the key from him, I looked up in disbelief. "I told you not to."

"I know you did, Asteria, but you've pretty much been here more than I have. You basically live here now, so I can't just not give you a key to this place." He looked down at the key, and since he realized I wasn't going to take it, clamped his fist around it. "I don't get it, Asteria, I won't mind you moving in rent free. Isn't this a place like this what you always wanted?"

I stared at him, breathing heavily, a million thoughts in my head. I thought about two Chrismasses ago, where Jesper gave me the key to his apartment, I thought that was the start of a new chapter in our lives, I thought we would stay and last forever. But in the end, he was a cheating scumbag, he had a girl over to what was supposed to be out home and cheated on me in the bed we slept in together. The key Jesper gave me was supposed to represent our future, and everyone knows how that ended up.

And I could have explained that to Ronan, I could have told him those were the feelings I felt when he offered me the key, but instead I blurted out the feeling that I buried deep, deep in my chest, in the very back of my mind, hoping I didn't say them out loud.

"This is what you were planning for all this time, wasn't it?" I questioned him, frantic. "This is... I mean... this is my dream home, this isn't yours. Then, you offered me to stay in your home, you wanted me to help with your album, you wanted us to make music together, like we did back then. You took me out on a date last night - that's what it was to you, wasn't it? You want us back together, is that what this is about?"

Ronan looked startled by those words, confusion and about a million other things on his face. "What, of course not, Asteria! What, you think that staying together, being roommates, means we'd fall in love?" He leaned against the counter. "I think society has moved passed assuming a guy and a girl being roommates means they're dating."

"But this isn't two random people, Ronan!" I threw my hands in the air. "This is you and me! We aren't two other people, we have a history, and don't you dare try to hide the fact that you aren't still in love with me because I know it, and at this point I'm pretty sure the whole world knows it."

I could see his tongue run over his teeth as he looked around the room. He starts by looking away from me. "Fine, you know what Asteria, I'll admit it, I'll say it straight to your face as you are sober." He looks me straight in the eye now. "I do love you. I have always loved you. And it's because I love you that I didn't push your boundaries. I know that if I pushed them you'd tell me you're uncomfortable, but I'm dying inside, Asteria, because you and I still have shit to deal with, and you keep pushing it away."

"If you love me you'd let me move on," I choked out. There were tear stinging in the corners of my eyes. "If you loved me then you'd let me breathe. Instead everywhere I turn, you're there. I couldn't escape you."

"And if you had an ounce of care for me you'd talk to me about that night. And maybe you'd also be honest to yourself about your feelings about everything."

I couldn't believe him. "Are you trying to tell me what to feel?"

"I'm trying to tell you to listen to yourself, Asteria." His voice was rising. "I'm telling you to stop bottling everything up."

"Oh, so maybe I should write a song dragging you."

"I didn't do that!"

I know you didn't, but I'm too angry to correct myself.

"You know, even if I did have feelings for you, we couldn't be together now, not a chance," I told him. "We barely made four years of high school work, you think we could handle this?"

"We're older now, Asteria. We grew up."

"Are you sure about that? Are we sure that you could grow if after seven, now pretty much eight years, you are still in love with me? How do you move foreward without letting go of the past?"

"Says you, of all the fucking people in the world." I could see his teeth grit together. "Maybe if we could talk about-"

"That night, you're bringing it up again." He has a right to be bringing that up again. "As if you have no idea what you did that night, as if you were so innocent that night. As if you weren't the one that broke us up in the first place."

"Tell me what you feel about that night, Asteria."

I looked around. I didn't want to look at him, I didn't want to talk. The coffee remained on the counter top, untouched.

"You know what, Ronan. I think I'm going to leave. We need to cool down."

I turn around, ready to leave, but Ronan grabs my hand. In the process, his arm swats down the mug of coffee, the rich, brown drink dropping to the floor. His nails dig into my skin and he spins me around, making sure I look at him.

"You aren't going anywhere until we talk about that night, understood?"

And just like that, I'm back - prom night, days from grad, under a streetlight just before it was going to rain.

☙

a/n

:)