The Upside of Falling Back To You

bonus | dear asteria [50k]

i can't believe i was writing a bonus chapter celebrating 5k reads in early december and now i'm writing a bonus chapter celebrating 50k(!!!) in march.

i'm so thankful for everyone that's read this book. it's crazy how this has blown up, especially since it took my first book a whole five years to get 30k reads.

if you want, follow my booksta (i post writing stuff sometimes too): @e.peo.latry.books (also link in bio)

anyways, bonus chapter time

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Dear Asteria,

My therapist told me to write down what I was feeling. Everything I was feeling. It's not for him to read, obviously. More like a way to let things out. Organize my thoughts. He said I could probably get inspiration for shit reading back on this. As if I was going to read this after I toss it. Really, I don't know why I addressed this to you. I could just put some shit like "Dear Future Me" in the header -- remember that time that chemistry teacher made us write letters to our future selves? Weird shit. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh right, writing to you. You know, maybe I put you in the header because there's no other way I could talk to you. You blocked me. You avoided me like the plague the last few weeks I was in Berkeley before I left for LA. You hate me. I get it. I hate you, too. I hate that you didn't tell me shit that I deserved to know. I get that it's your choice. I didn't realize you didn't want to choose me.

This shit's stupid. Going to tell my therapist this isn't working.

Ronan

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Dear Asteria,

I was talking with Parv and Lucas earlier today. Parv kept mentioning how you're probably still mad at me from writing that song the summer after grad. For the record, I don't regret writing that song. I told her you probably wouldn't mind either. I mean, we talked about this. She doesn't get it, you know? The best songs come from when you're hurt. They come from the personal experiences. They come from the times where you're really heart broken. You got that. You always got that. Was I a shit person for not letting you know in advance? Maybe. To be fair, I didn't know the song was going to blow up.

By the way, I should change the header sooner or later. The image of you that I have in my head thinks it's stupid I keep putting your name.

Maybe I miss you too much.

Ronan

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Dear Asteria,

So I was at this sandwich shop and right when I stepped in the store, ironically the radio station started playing my last single. Last one before the album comes out -- it's tomorrow at midnight, you know? I mean, why would you know? Why would you keep tabs on me? But also, how couldn't you know? I know the pages you follow on Twitter. I know what shows up as recommended articles. I know I'm probably the biggest trending artist out there so I think you'd know. Or maybe you really don't. But that's what made me think about you in the sandwich shop. By the way, their onion rings aren't as good as the ones from Illy's.

Sometimes I try to think of what you would've told me about the album coming out tomorrow. I know before you said you'd be there to support me. You'd be my first and number one fan. You'd be there if the rest of the world wasn't.

I know I have the world on my side, but I don't have you. 

I'm trying to forget about you Asteria, I swear. That's what I named the album.

This is goodbye, I guess.

Ronan

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Dear Asteria,

It's been a while. But I think old habits die hard.

You know, part of me was glad that you didn't fully block me on Instagram. I'm 99.99% sure you restricted me. You could see my last frantic texts to you, even if I don't know if you read them. Or maybe you didn't. But I can still see bits and pieces of your life from when you posted. Though, I think you mostly post on your close friends story now, and we both know I'm not on that anymore. 

But, I think you left me there following your Instagram for this moment in particular. You posted a picture of you and your new boyfriend. Honestly, I didn't think it would take you four years of university to get someone new. I actually was hoping you'd find someone else. I know he's going to treat you well. You won't settle for less. I know you know your worth.

Except when it came to me. Honestly, I was fucking horrible to you at times. I don't know why you came back to me. You knew you deserved better. I know you knew.

Anyways, I named my next album today. It was supposed to make reference to this photo of me and my ex-girlfriend, but then I remembered that you and I broke up under a streetlight under the rain on prom night.

I shouldn't have let you walk home alone in the rain that night.

Ronan

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Dear Asteria,

I played Rogers Center last night. Remember when we skipped school and hopped on the GO Train to go to the Shawn Mendes concert in tenth grade? Before I fucked everything up? Those were better times. 

I miss having you as my best friend (don't tell Lucas I called you that).

(But I think he already know).

Ronan

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Dear Asteria,

Even if we didn't break up that night, do you think we'd last? I don't think we would. 

I keep replaying that night in my head, wondering if I did anything different, would I still have you beside me? But I don't think so. I think there were too many cracks in our foundation that it wouldn't have been enough to hold us together.

Maybe we're happier in another universe.

Ronan

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Dear Asteria,

Sometimes I forget that you aren't just a name on my phone, a name I write when I write these notes, but you are actually someone. You are living your own life. I'm just so hopelessly in love with you that I can't let go of you. I tried, I swear I did, but I don't think anyone can compare to you. I think you will always have my heart.

Ronan

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Dear Asteria,

How is it possible for one person to have this much of a hold on someone they haven't seen in seven years?

Ronan

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Dear Asteria,

My mom is fucking insane. She said we're spending Christmas together. I know I tried to see you every now and then, but I don't actually know what to say to you. I'm not ready to see you. I can't fucking let you into my life now. 

I don't think you'll be thrilled to see me either. Sorry I couldn't give you a warning.

Ronan

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Dear Asteria,

I saw your smile in person for the first time in years today.

I'm trying to get over you. I promise.

Love,

Ronan