Harry, Harry, Harry... Louis

Chapter 18

Comfortable silence with Louis does not exist. It's completely overrated. That's all it's been with him since our "fight". I don't even know if you can really call it a fight. There wasn't any yelling. But still. It hurt me.

He's tried reaching out, but I keep pushing him away.

That night, after I told him I wanted to keep my distance from him, he tried talking to me at diner. He was sitting in front of me and he kept trying to make conversation with me. I, on the other hand, was not very receptive. I kept changing the subject and interrupting our conversation by talking to my parents.

I honestly shouldn't be this mad at him, because I'm also in the wrong. Yet I still am and I can't seem to move on.

What's worst in all of this is that Louis looks genuinely hurt. After that diner, he stopped trying to talk to me. He's out of the house before I wake up and no where to be found when I go to sleep. I wonder where he goes. My mind tries to block any image of him with Agathe, walking around the village, hand in hand, them having a picnic out in the lavender fields, him presenting her to his friends. I can't let myself think about it too hard, cause I think I'll go crazy if I do.

I should apologise. I know it. Everything will be easier if we both get it over with. I could tell him that I'm happy for him and Agathe so he wouldn't have to feel guilty being with her. That's what I should do.

I'm so preoccupied by the ongoing debate in my head that I don't even notice my mom sitting next to me at our dining table on the terrace.

"Chéri?" She puts her hand on my shoulder, which makes me startle in surprise.

"What?" I look at Maman, who gives me a shy smile. I know that smile. She knows that something is wrong and wants to talk. "Oh. Salut Maman"

"Harry, I've noticed that you've been quite in your head for the past few days, what's going on in there? Is there something I can do to help you?" I can't hide shit from my mom. She always seems to know everything.

"Et bien... I've been thinking about many things." I start. I don't want to tell her exactly what happened with Louis because I'm not even sure if I understand the whole story.

"Things have been interesting with me and Jeanne." A question mark appears on my mom's face. "Not bad, just not what I expected." I reassure her.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I don't exactly know..." My mind inevitably drifts back to the morning I had my argument with Louis.

"I don't know."

"You don't seem to know a lot, don't you?"

"I know nothing Louis."

I need to start knowing shit. It's getting annoying.

"I think I was just expecting to give myself to her more easily. Everything is slightly more complicating than what I anticipated. I'm mad at myself for not wanting her as much as I thought I would." I admit.

"Oh, mon amour... Don't force yourself to be with her if you don't want to. It's okay to change your mind." She starts playing with my hair. She's been doing that for years now. It always seems to calm me down. "If you don't mind me asking, what do you think made you change your mind?"

More like who.

I trust my mom, but I don't think telling her about Louis is a good idea.

"This summer feels different than the other ones, I guess. We both changed during the year. Maybe we're not as made for each other as I thought we were." I answer simply.