Fresh Start

E l e v e n

   "That's like the fifth time you've jumped." Maia whispers, glancing at me with amused eyes.

I bump my shoulder into hers, making that the second part of her I'm in contact with, if you count our knees pushed together as we sit cross legged facing the scary movie. "Shut up." I mutter, reaching my hand for the popcorn in her lap, popping a small piece in my mouth.

"No seriously, I counted." She argues, looking at me again, smiling mischievously.

I shake my head as she eats her own piece of popcorn, "You didn't." I mutter again, the words just under a whisper.

"I don't know why you doubt my counting skills." Maia replies, looking at the screen ahead of us, as a pregnant lady falls into the dirt, making me wince on her behalf, but I hardly notice the next scare as Maia opens her mouth again, making me tune in, "I mean I'm hardly scared, I'm mostly focusing on how scared you are."

I laugh quietly, shaking my head at her as she meets my eyes, "It's freaking scary." I argue, as she raises her eyebrows challengingly, "It is." I whisper yell at her, no heat behind my words as she flashes a smile at me.

"Sure it is." She mocks, her tone teasing.

"Oh you think you're so tough." I tease back as her shoulder pushes mine, "You're just fearless?" I question and once again she lightly pushes my arm, this time with her hand as a large smile sets on her face.

"Yeah, yeah I think I am." She boasts, this time I push her shoulder lightly as I hold back laughs, pursing my lips to keep the grin at bay, that's trying to fight it's way onto my face, "Maybe you just get scared easily." Maia suggests, reaching to push me again but instead my hand moves to push hers back, blocking her hand.

"I think you're scared." I say, pushing against her hand as she returns the same pressure.

"Maybe I'm not scared because you're here." She tells me, her smile growing less teasing and more genuine as she stops pushing against my hand, but rather weaving her fingers in between mine, still holding our hands between us in the air.

I don't try to stop the smile that fights beams at her as she drops our hands to the spot our knees are touching, resting them on her soft pajama pants.

She looks at me for another second, her eyes silently asking me a question that I can read, loud and clear, 'Is this okay?' They seem to say and instead of verbally answering I simply rest my back against the couch behind us, letting my gaze return to the horrible scene in front of us.

And fuck, it feels so good to simply hold her hand, what would it feel like to touch more of her? Hug? Kiss even? My mind races before I land on one answer to all my questions, She has a boyfriend.

And shit did that make everything clear. This is her little phase. The phase everyone goes through where they wonder, 'hm what if I'm not straight?'. The phase where they break someone's heart. The phase that inevitably tells them, 'nope definitely straight'.

And holy crap would I kill to be involved in that phase. And I know this is some more self destructive bullshit, letting her mess with me when I know she'll never really care about me, but I can't care less when I feel Maia's hand squeeze mine before I feel her head lay it's self flush against my shoulder, sharing her warms with me and electrifying the skin she comes in contact with.

So you know what? Screw the phase. Screw the 'inevitable' heartbreak. Maybe it'll be worth it to feel half of how she's making me feel now...Maybe.

---

"Goodnight." Kaylee replies, rolling onto her side away from me, leaving me to stare blankly at the white ceiling with the disgusting popcorn texture.

I feel my lungs breath in and out deeply, becoming tuned in to my own breathing, feeling it make my chest rise and fall, hearing my racing heart rate beating in my ears, turning my gaze to the side to watch my fingers drum on the speckled carpet, just imagining the bacteria laying underneath makes me withdrawal my hand, placing it on my stomach.

As I listen to my breathing my hearing becomes clouded, suddenly tuning in to everyone's breathing, fogging my thoughts. I find my breath quickening in realization of just how many people are around me. Laying tucked in their sleeping bags like me, resting their heads on their pillows trying to sleep like me, their thoughts racing like mine.

Air. I need air. I hastily stand up, being more overwhelmed by all the bodies laying near me. I breathe harshley as I step between the unconscious people, finding my way to the closed doors.

I barely hear the large sound the door makes as I open it and the louder sound it makes when it closes, the cool air hitting me like a truck. I make a beeline for the two front doors, but upon further inspection as I near, I remember the whole purpose of tonight, lock in, twisted between the two handles was a tick chain, secured with a large bolt lock.

This realization doesn't stop me from pulling onto those exact handles, finding out that the chain is in fact strong- wow, shocker. I let my head fall against them, huffing in defeat. My heartbeat grows so loud it almost completely blocks out the noise of those loud ass doors slamming shut again. "Fuck." I mutter as footsteps near me.

"What's wrong Kris?" The words are accompanied by a hand on my shoulder, probably trying to be supportive but right now I couldn't care less about support.

"I just need fucking air." I mumble, still trying to catch up to my quickening breath. I don't have to look over to know it's Maia who's worried, Maia standing beside me, Maia with her hand on my shoulder, Maia who I walk away from.

I turn around a corner in the opposite direction of the lock in room, finding stone stairs that I climb eagerly, only to be followed by footsteps I knew belonged to Maia. After climbing the stairs for a short minute I find a stained glass window, sitting down on the window sill as I once again attempt to calm my breathing.

Maia catches up in no time, standing in front of me and towering over me as she tries to help as best she can, "Take deep breaths Kris." She suggests, her face utterly worried.

"Fuck, I can't." I curse, letting my back lean against the window and tilting my head to look up at the stone ceiling.

"Just try." She pushes, making me suck in a deep breath, irritated.

"I can't." I emphasize, my tone impatient as my hyperventilating continues. "Just go back."

I look up at her in time to see her give me a joking face that's only mostly covered by worry, "What? And leave you to spiral on your own." She jokes, probably trying to lighten the mood, and normally I would offer her a light laugh but right now I don't give a shit for her jokes, "Kris, Breathe." She repeats again.

"I don't know how!" I exclaim, overwhelmed and wanting to be left the fuck alone, "I can't fucking breath Maia, I just ca-" Before I can- how did she put it- spiral any further palms are pressed against each of my shoulders before soft lips meet mine.

I freeze up with shock and only slightly (mostly) in confusion, my heart rate picks up and the confusion grows as I feel her lips move against mine but before I can pull away and demand an answer for 'what the fuck are you doing' she's done it for me, taking her lips from where they were previously on mine and her hands off of my shoulders, even taking a full step back.

I swallow hard, taking advantage of my suddenly calm breathing, "W-why did you do that?" I ask.

She copies me, swallowing before she scratches the back of her neck, "You needed to hold your breath, kissing is one way to do that." She explains quietly, offering me a sheepish smile, "Sorry."

"Don't be." I say quickly, earning a look of shock from her so I make sure to add onto the end, "Thanks for that, stopping the panic attack I mean."

Maia nods slowly, "It's what a friend does." She states, before laughing lightly and hitting my shoulder, "C'mon let's get back before Benson sends out a smoke signal." She jokes, running down the stairs leaving me in utter confusion.

I let my fingers wander up to my lips, pressing against them softly. She kissed me, I realize, basking in the confusion before I finally take in her previous words, 'it's what a friend does'. Friend. That's all I am to her. All I'm ever gonna be.