Fresh Start

T w e n t y - t w o

   "Where did Kaylee go again?" Maia asks, sitting on the couch as we wait out the commercial break for some shitty movie that was on cable. We came out here to watch friends but after looking for the remote forever we gave up.

I shrug, turning my attention from the paper towel ad to her, "Boston I think. We didn't exactly go over a detailed plan of her travels, she just kinda up and left."

"Do you think she's okay?" She questions.

"I hope so." I mumble, wrapping my hands around the warm mug of coffee. "Did you mean what you said yesterday?"

Her eyes drop mine as she looks at the floor, her expression confused, "Which part?" She replies, meeting my eyes again.

"The part about you and Josh." I state, watching her bite her lip as she remembers. "Did you?" I push again.

"I think so." Maia tells me, making me give her a questioning look, "I don't know."

"Did you mean it when you said you wanted to be with me?" I ask, suddenly fearing she didn't.

She nods straight away, "Of course I did." I let the nerves in my stomach settle slightly, before looking to her again, biting my lip as she begins to explain, "It's just that me and Josh are really close, we were friends for a really long time before we got together and I don't wanna lose his friendship."

"Just 'cause you don't wanna lose him doesn't justify staying with him when you're cheating on him." I point out, putting my almost empty mug down on the coffee table.

"I'm not cheating on him." She says quickly, but before I can argue further her eyes widen as everything dawns on her, "Oh my god I'm cheating on him." I swallow hard at her words, biting my lip harder. "This doesn't feel like cheating, the thing with you. It feels natural, it doesn't feel wrong, I didn't realize I was fucking cheating on him." The words rush out as she presses a hand to her forehead.

"It's okay." I tell her, "Cheating isn't always bad I guess...Or it doesn't always feel like cheating." I say, trying to comfort her. "He'll probably understand if you tell him you're gay." I regret the words as soon as they leave my lips, only because of her reaction.

Suddenly she looks at me as if I said something horrible, before she states clearly "I'm not gay."

"Okay, sorry." I apologize quickly, realizing my mistake, "I meant that you're into girls."

"I'm not into girls, Kris." She snaps, making me frown out of confusion.

I squint at her, "Maia, I'm a girl."

"So?" She questions, her words a bit louder.

"You said you liked me." I explain, watching as she doesn't change her expression, "So you have to be a little bit interested in girls."

She shakes her head slowly, "I don't like other girls." She says, almost as if it's a bad thing.

"Oh my god." I mutter, everything becoming clearer. "I...I think you should go."

Her eyes snap up to mine again, riddled with confusion, "What? Why?"

"Because you don't like girls." I state, she gives me a look that says 'So?' again, so I add, "You're straight." Again Maia gives me the same look, not understanding what I mean. "This is your fucked up experimental stage every straight girl goes through in college."

Her eyes widen slightly, finally getting it, "That's not a thing, Kris. And even if it was, that's not what's happening." She says, touching my hand, "I really, really like you."

I shake my head, disagreeing, as I pull my hand away from hers, "How can you when you don't like girls?" I point out again. "Look Maia, I really like you, but you don't like me. And I really don't wanna get my heart broken again, so please just leave."

"It's just you, okay? Sure I don't like every girl I meet, but I do like you."

I shake my head again, swallow hard to try to stop my tears from falling, averting my eyes to the floor. "Right now, if this ends it'll hurt. A lot. But if this lasts any longer, and I fall for you any more, the pain will be unbearable. I know from experience. So please, get out."

"You're spiraling, just take a deep breath." Maia urges.

I swallow again, keeping down the urge to let all my feelings out, until after she leaves. "Please." I say again, my voice breaking.

"I'm not leaving you alone when you're like this." She states, plainly, making no move to leave.

"If you care about me at all, even as a friend, believe me when I say the best thing for me right now...is for you to go." I keep my gaze on the floor as I hear Maia curse under her breath, even as she stands, and right up until my front door slams shut after her. Finally when I know she's gone, I let out a shaky breath, letting the weight of what just happened fall on me.

I took the easy way out. This way my heart would hurt, but if I let it go on any longer, let myself feel anything more for her, I wouldn't just get my heart broken, I'd get it fucking ablitorated.

---

The last few days haven't been the easiest. Despite my better judgement, I canceled my therapy appointment, claiming I was sick. I stayed inside, which honestly didn't matter much since it had been non-stop pouring. I'd ignored text after text from Maia, not bothering to read them. I sat on the couch for most of the days, watching episode after episode of mindless tv, trying to distract myself from the pain I was feeling. I hadn't showered, I barely ate, I did nothing.

The one thing I could pride myself on wasthat I hadn't let myself slip, I stayed clean throughout all those terrible days, and even now as I stuck with the normal routine I had kept over the last few days. The other thing was that I was still taking my meds, even if they didn't do anything to dull this mood I was feeling.

Other than that everything else had gone back to how it used to be, worse even. All my bad habits returned, like the not eating, but more too. I had chewed and bitten my lips so now they're sore with red cuts lining them. My nails have been chewed to nubs, so far down that it hurts to touch them. THe skin around most of my nails was raw and broken. But now I've begun to chew gum to let all that heal, because even if I let almost everything go, I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm six fucking months, there's no way I'm screwing that up.

Everything's been so screwed up so now, I force myself back into my room, grabbing fresh clothes and heading to the washroom, to shower.

It feels really fucking good to shower after having not for so many days. It feels good to have clean hair. I put bandaids around the nails with the cuts on the skin, also trending to my lips by adding some lip balm to help them heal faster.

I clean up my room, changing my sheets from the one's Maia had slept in days earlier. Then I pick up dirty clothes I've worn over the days, and just refused to wash.

After that I head to the living room, cleaning up there too. Picking up the dishes from the few meals I did eat, and grabbing the blanket and pillows I used to sleep there, throwing them into the wash with everything else.

Then finally, I head to the kitchen, putting a pot on to boil, and within twenty-ish minutes I'm eating pasta with red sauce, feeding my hungry stomach after the neglectful days.

Maybe I shouldn't have believed her when she said she liked me. That would have avoided everything. Am I really so desperate that I believe every girl who says she cares about me?