Fresh Start

T w e l v e

   Guilt. That's what I feel as I sit across from a girl who kissed me mer days earlier, of course accompanied by her boyfriend, who wrapped his arm around her, smiling wide the whole time. I had expected to feel jealous, that was obvious, having realized Maia was only playing with me and could never reciprocate my growing feelings. But guilt? I didn't even consider that.

It made sense though, she had cheated on him- even if she didn't consider our kiss to be that- with me. I was supposed to feel guilty, right? Feel horrible about myself as I overhear Josh whispering how great of a girlfriend Maia is.

One of the many bad things that accompanied this guilt was the bad thoughts. The thoughts that forced their way in my head, corrupting my mind. The same thoughts that I haven't felt for the past month. The same thoughts I hoped I would never feel again. The same thoughts that swirl around my head, yelling insults at me, screaming at me that I'm not enough, shouting that I don't deserve this mediocre life I'm living. The same thoughts that caused those scars.

"I have a meteranian wrap." The waitress announces, earning a small raised hand from Alex, before the waitress begins listing off the meals she's carrying, placing them in front of the respected people.

I draw my eyes from where they were previously watching the ice in my water melt to the new plate in front of me, my appetite suddenly gone.

"You just gonna stare at it or are you gonna eat it?" Kaylee questions from my side, pausing the job of cutting into her steak to look at me with worried eyes.

I nod weakly, before reaching for my phone and opening it in my lap, happy to find an excuse to leave the table, "Gotta call my dad, I'll be right back." I state quietly, making it so that only Kaylee hears me who nods smally.

"Hey kiddo." Dave's voice calls after he picks up, his voice is warm, happy, loving, making a small smile find its way onto my face despite the horrible mood of my mind.

"Hey Dad." I greet, shifting my weight to free up my foot, purely so I can kick at the gravel laying on the sidewalk pavement. "What're you guys up to?" I ask as I cross my free arm over my body, rubbing it on the bare skin of my other arm, trying to ignore the chilled winds.

"Not much to be honest, Teddy has finally called me by my correct term of 'Dada' instead of just crying in my arms for your mother." He says, laughing lightly and igniting a similar reaction in me.

"Well that's good." I say, my voice overly cheery. "I'm just out to dinner with some friends."

"Oh that's right, I forgot it's about dinner time for you guys isn't it?" He recalls, and I simply hum in a yes, "I don't want to keep you from your friends, we can talk later-" He starts but I'm quick to cut my dad off,

"No, really, I miss you, I want to catch up." I say, deciding to sit on the edge of the sidewalk, my legs stretched out into the paved road, shined on by the few streetlights in this otherwise pitch black outdoors.

"In that case, let me tell you about the funniest thing that happened at work..." He says, launching himself into a detailed description of how he caught someone eating his lunch in the breakroom, and how it apparently broke up friendships, and crushed dreams. Truth be told I think he was just exaggerating for dramatic effect but I was more than happy to indulge him, muttering 'ooo's and 'aww's at the perfect moments.

---

As I lay in bed, trying to fight the insomnia my meds have so kindly given me, I find my mind wandering. Wandering to places I'm not sure I want it to go to. I start remembering the kiss. That kiss. That-confusing as shit-kiss. Then my mind jumps to just this evening, my mind reminding me of everytime Maia's hand brushed against mine, purposefully? Maybe, maybe not. Even so, the slightest touch sends warning signals throughout my body. Does she even know what she's doing? She has to, right? How can she not tell?

How can she not tell, when every time she comes near me my breath quickens? How can she not tell, when every time she smiles at me I fluster to the point of just not talking to avoid embarrassment? How can she not tell, when every time her skin touches mine heat is sent through my body, landing right on my cheeks for her to see?

She has to know doesn't she? Maybe she's just super fucking oblivious. Even so I think she'd come into relization after fucking kissing me.

Kissing me. Me. A girl who slit her wrist less than four months ago. A girl who couldn't handle life and coped by cutting her leg, so deep that scars sprouted from the broken skin. A girl who half the time isn't even sure if she deserves to live in this messed up world. A girl who relies on artificial serotonin to get through every day.

And there it fucking is. Those god damn thoughts somehow finding a way to claw back into my head after all these months. I've worked so hard to fix my mind, cure myself from this plagued thinking. Then one tiny thing happens and the past months of work to change my view on life just go down the drain, all the hard fucking work.

Worst thing is I can't even blame her for the thoughts, I mean, it's my head, she didn't plant them in there. It'd be really fucking easy to blame her though. Use this shit as an excuse to avoid her, pretend everything was all her fault and be done with it. I just can't though. As hard as I might try, I know I won't be able to leave her alone. Something about the way she makes me feel, I'm talking about that giddy feeling I get in my chest after talking to her. That smile that forces its way onto my face simply from seeing her grin directed at me. That warm feeling that spreads throughout my body when hers comes into contact with mine. These are all the same reasons I should leave her alone though. All these feelings are too dangerous, if they escalate any further I know I won't be able to keep them under wraps. So that's that. Avoidance. The best method of dealing with one's problems.