Fresh Start

T h i r t e e n

   "Then she kissed me." I state, trying to sum up the long-confusion-annoying-shit story I'd rather forget. I cross my legs, pulling them up onto the leather couch that tries so desperately to help them slip back down. I reach forward, grabbing the cup of coffee that Edna had prepared before I even arrived at her office.

"And?" She asks, giving me a sceptical look, "What happened after that?"

I shrug, blowing off the steaming liquid in front of me, "Nothing. Nothing happened."

"Nothing?" She questions, seeming shocked while I simply nod, "Well when I was young if someone kissed you it was practically a marriage proposal." She says, exaggerating.

I always felt comfortable talking to Edna about things, she weirdly reminded me of Grams so naturally we connected. Part of the reason I liked Edna was because she didn't make the whole session about me, she would talk to me as if we were friends, rather than patient and therapist. She let's me know about all the gossip spreading in her knitting and crocheting club, she'd tell me stories of all her ex husbands and even her current one; Henry.

"Well you can't exactly propose to someone when you're in a relationship with another person." I state, the words falling with quite more bitterness than I intended. "So it doesn't really matter what it meant, she's taken and I'm not interested in being an accomplice to cheating."

Enda nods a bit, acting like she's been in the same situation before, "I get that, it's logical, right? You don't want to help someone cheat, therefore you don't want to be interested in her." She says, smiling before she speaks again, "Thing is, the heart doesn't understand logic."

I sigh, making her raise her eyebrows pointedly, as if asking 'am I wrong?', instead of answering her silent question, I change the topic, "I started thinking about that day." I state, my voice surprisingly emotionless. Enda simply squints, seeming to be confused, so I quickly add, "The day I tried to kill myself."

She nods a bit, her face void of emotion, something I know means she's trying to hide her real reaction from me and not that she was bored like I first assumed. "What did you think about?"

"Partly how stupid it was." I say, waiting for a reaction but when I'm met with no change in expression I continue, "You know, I didn't plan for it or anything, it was a split second decision. My life was falling apart and I didn't know what else to do."

"And the other part?" She asks, tilting her head again, staring at me as if the answer to her question was written on my forehead.

"The other part...is that maybe it would've been better if it had worked." I reply, letting my eyes drop to her red carpet.

"Why's that?" Her voice calls lightly.

"I don't know." I lie, looking out the window towards the raindrops splashing down from the sky, hitting the window every other second.

It's a few more seconds before Edna speaks again, probably trying to get me to answer her truthfully without having to ask me, but eventually when she realizes I won't talk she pushes slightly, "Try harder."

Something in her eyes makes me open my mouth, letting my true thoughts pour out, "I feel like a burden. My mom calls me and texts me constantly, worried about me every waking second. I forced Kaylee to make due with me and because of it her relationship with her boyfriend is suffering. My dad's covering people's shifts to try to make up money for my school next year and I know he's stressed as shit about it. I helped a girl cheat on her boyfriend when I didn't even mean to." I vent, finding myself breathing heavy after it's all out there.