Playing With Fire (Sebastian Vettel)

8. Always on His Mind

Seb felt sick. Mollie.  He'd thought he'd never see her again.  Now she was coming back and he didn't know if he could handle it.  How was he meant to see her all the time?  How was he supposed to move on when he was still so in love with her?

He heard Mikey calling his name.  "Seb! I'm sorry mate.  I didn't know how to tell you in a way that would make it easier to hear."

"Nothing would make it easier Mikey," Seb said, standing up and walking out of the dining room.  He needed to be alone. 

                               ***

He was plagued by dreams of her all night.  Flashes from the past.  Their first kiss.  Him taking her virginity. Her mouth around his cock. She haunted him. She wouldn't leave him alone.

He woke at sunrise, her name on his lips. "Mollie," he cried. He just wanted a chance to make things right, to make up for what he had said. He wanted his Mollie back. Would she ever forgive him? He knew he had hurt her deeply with his grief induced words.  He didn't know what the hell he'd been thinking of.  It hadn't been Mollie's fault at all. 

He wondered what she'd been doing this past fifteen months.  Where had she been?  How was she coping?  Did she even think about him any more?

What was he going to do?  Should he approach her?  Should he wait and see if she approached him?  His head was full of questions and he had no answers.  He guessed he'd just have to wait and see.  Maybe everything would become more clear when he saw her again.  

He picked up his phone and loaded up Instagram. The world thought he didn't have social media but he had a secret account that he used every now and again.  He looked at Mollie's personal account, like he had so often in the early days after she had left him.  There was still no recent posts on there.  The last post had been the day before the accident.  A goofy photo of the two of them pulling faces at the camera. 

Next he went onto the Formula W page.  There he found what he was looking for.  Photos from Barcelona.  He browsed through them all and just when he was giving up hope, he saw her. 

She was as beautiful as she'd ever been. Her hair was longer. It looked like she'd had it in a braid and then undone it, it was wavy and tied up in a ponytail.  She was wearing sunglasses so he couldn't see her oh so expressive eyes but she wasn't smiling.  Her face looked deadly serious.  She was wearing her race suit and was listening intently to something Joel was saying to her. 

It really was true. Mollie was back.  She was going to be racing again.  He was going to see her again. Now he just had to work out how he was going to deal with that.  

                                  ***

Testing couldn't have gone better.  She'd topped every time sheet.   Now here she was, tucked up in bed,  whilst the rest of the team met for end of test drinks. 

She'd lied through her teeth and claimed a headache.  Really she just didn't want to be tempted to get drunk.  She hadn't touched a drop since Ash had poured her vodka away. 

She knew she still had a long way to go to be back to how she was mentally.  Some of the other drivers had tried to get her to have dinner with them.  Paola, Kimberley, Sophia. Even Emilia Koskinen had reached out to her, telling her that it hadn't been her fault. 

She'd been polite to them all but had turned them down.  She wasn't ready to socialise yet.  She just wanted her close inner circle.  Sophia, Ash, Joel and Cassie.  They were the ones that knew her.  They were the ones that tried to understand. 

At least testing was out of the way.  Everyone now knew of her return.  The comments on Social Media had been encouraging.  99% of the fans were excited for her comeback, with just the odd shitty comment.  She didn't really care about that.  It was how she felt about herself that needed to change. 

Most days she knew it wasn't her fault but there were still odd days that she wondered if she could have done anything different. 

Her biggest worry she was yet to face.  Seeing Seb again.  She knew that would be a big test. That was gonna hurt big time. Would he try and talk to her?  Did she want him to?   She really didn't know.    Perhaps she'd be able to avoid him.  She'd only seen him before because he'd been visiting Elena in her motorhome.  Yeah, that was the best way.  If she kept to the support paddock and didn't wander about then she could avoid him.  It was all for the best. 

                                     ***

Seb cursed as he pulled into Park ferme.  It hadn't been the best of starts to his 2023 campaign.  Still, points were points and he may need these 8 points at the end of the season.   

He still had hope.  The car was good.  It had been him that had had an off day.  He hadn't been able to get Mollie out of his head since hearing of her  return.   He needed to snap out of it.  He had a championship to defend.  He couldn't let thoughts of what could have been affect him.  He owed it to the team to give it his all.  

The next race would be different, he vowed to himself.  He would give it everything.  He had to compartmentalise his thoughts.  When he was in the car he had to forget her. 

He climbed out of the car and followed the post race routine.  Heading towards Antti and Britta, he removed his HANS and helmet, handing them over to his trainer. 

"Hard luck boss,"Antti said. 

"No, it was just shit," Seb sighed. 

"Seb don't be too hard on yourself.  This is just the beginning," Britta said. 

He nodded but inside he was pissed off.  He could have done better.  He should have done better.  He'd let the team,and himself, down. 

He needed to sort his head out.  He needed to talk to Mollie.  The sooner the better.  He needed  to know if there was a chance or if they were really over for good.