Playing With Fire (Sebastian Vettel)

42. Bowing Out in Style

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since I've done this. I need to get my feelings out though. There's no one I can talk to who will understand what I'm feeling, so writing it down will have to do.

I'm here in Abu Dhabi. I don't know how I actually thought it would feel to be back here again after so long. Two years. Has it really been two years?

It's brought back a lot of memories. Elena. How that woman used to wind me up. But she pushed me to be the best I could be. I hated her beating me. How I wish she was still here so I could beat her once again.

I've never felt as alive on track as I did when I was battling her. No disrespect to the other ladies but it's been too easy. My hardest competitor this year has been myself.

I nearly fucked it all and if it hadn't been for Seb I wouldn't be here in Abu Dhabi now. I wouldn't be racing at all. He helped me face things, to get my shit together.

And now he's gone from my life. I've got to do it without him. Am I strong enough? I guess I'll soon find out.

I want to bow out in style. Give the team a final win before they head off to Formula E. Well, most of them. Joel's managed to snag himself a job with Thorne F1. And Cassie is moving to Zenith to be Sophia's Press Officer. Anyways, yeah, I want to give them something to celebrate. I mean I guess they're still celebrating the championship but be good to sign off with a win.

I need to conquer Abu Dhabi. I need to get some good memories here. My problem is my mind is elsewhere. It's firmly on a certain German driver that is proving impossible to forget.

***

It's now Friday night and I have managed to avoid bumping into him. I just arrived back from the track. It went surprisingly well. The first few laps I put in...I admit I struggled when I passed the scene of the accident. But the more laps I drove, the easier it got.

I expect the journos, Daniel Hunter in particular, will be disappointed I didn't have a big meltdown. They asked me in yesterday's press conference about how I'd cope. I just "no commented" nearly every question they asked me. Luckily they don't seem to have cottoned on that Seb and I have split yet.

Anyways, FP1 I ended up third fastest behind Sophia and Lily. I'm happy with that. I know I have a lot more to give. FP2... I wasn't so happy with but it was the car, not me. I don't know what changed but something didn't feel right. I ended up in sixth behind Sophia, Lily, Amelie, Emilia and Polly.

The team worked hard during the session and by the end it was feeling a bit better. I think I could have moved up in the order but my last fast lap was ruined by one of the Apollos.

I'm quietly confident for tomorrow. I feel calm. Hopefully I can do it for the team.

***

I am sat here struggling to write through the tears. Happy tears and sad tears.

Happy because I only went and bloody did it. Sad because that's it. TBR are done. I love this bloody team. They really are my second family. Formula W is done for me. No going back now. I've officially rejected the Ferrari W offer. They tried to offer me more money but to me it's not about the money. It never has been. Tomorrow morning I sign my new contract. I'm excited for the new challenge. For the first time since I was a junior I will be racing against the men. I'm going to be pushing myself to the limit. I'm so looking forward to it.

Anyway, back to today. Quali couldn't have gone more perfect. I got pole by over 3 tenths! Lily managed to get above Sophia.

The race....well to be honest it was easy. I kept my lead at the start and pulled away into the distance. Led all the way and got the fastest lap. Mission accomplished.

As I stood on the podium, I broke. I cried. I never cry in front of the journos. But everything that had brought me to that moment overwhelmed me.

Elena. The accident. My breakdown. My fight back.

I cried for that. I cried for the team. I cried for Seb.

I still love him. I miss him so much. His soft voice. His touch. His kiss. I miss just laying in each other's arms, talking about anything and everything. I miss making love.

My body hasn't got the memo that it's over. It craves his touch. My heart aches for him and now the season is over I have nothing to distract myself.

Christmas is going to be a nightmare. And New Year. I don't know how I'm going to cope. It seems like we're destined to never spend a Christmas together.

I feel like my heart is shattered inside my chest. It will heal piece by tiny piece, but I'm pretty sure that it will never be whole again. There will always be a part of it that belongs to Seb.

But he's made it clear that he doesn't want me. He has made no effort to speak to me, not that I want him to. What happened to being friends?

No, I have to put him in the past where he belongs.

Tomorrow he faces his date with destiny. Will he be crowned champion for the sixth time ? Or will it be Daniel for the first?

I hope it's Seb. No disrespect to Daniel. It's just I can't stop the habit of a lifetime. For me it will always be Seb. Or a Thorne driver of course haha.

Thorne. They've been such a big part of my journey. They've been there. They've supported me through thick and thin. I feel privileged to be a part of them. And I'm looking forward to continuing my journey with them.

TBR are out with the Thornes tomorrow after the race. Celebrating our win, our departure. Also celebrating the end of Thorne's best ever season. And saying goodbye to Luca as he leaves the family.

It's gonna be messy. But not for me. Soft drinks all the way. I'm a good girl now!

So yeah, that's Abu Dhabi done and dusted. On my side anyway.

I'll be back at the circuit tomorrow to see if Seb can do it. Fingers crossed for him. The man I have always loved and always will love. There will never be anyone else for me. To me, there is no other man. Just him. Just Seb.