Epoch | JENLISA | on-going

Conundrum

With my heart thundering inside my chest, I shakily typed the words I've been wanting to utter. My lips whispered the words as it appeared on the screen.

Rosie... help.

Help me.

Pleas-

My fingers stopped moving and hovered over the keyboard. The blinking cursor was staring at me, each blink mirrored my labored breathing and I couldn't help but to take a shaky breath to somehow calm myself. It doesn't work. I momentarily closed my eyes and thought of another way to express my worry without making me sound pathetic and desperate.

Desperate.

I have always considered myself as a proud person, sometimes even borderline arrogant so the word almost made me scoff in disgust. But in reality, it's the word that fits perfectly and describes me today.

Maybe add crazy, messy and desperate. These three adjectives sums up the life of Jennie Kim.

It didn't seem like it at the beginning. I refused to acknowledge the fact that my life isn't one of a fairytale however, it's been like this eversince the relationship I have with my mom fell apart.

Crazy. My life has been crazy when my mom pushed me to marry or even try to be with a man I do not love nor even like. For the sake of money, she was willing to push me to do something I wasn't comfortable with. For her vices, I felt like I was being sold in exchange for poker chips and endless time in the casino. Her own child in exchange for her happiness.

My life started to get messy when I ran away from her and seeked shelter at the home of the Park's. I was accepted and loved yet I didn't feel like I belonged. Rosie's friends were my friends but I couldn't bring myself to pretend that I do treat them as such. And it got messier when I got involved with the wrong crowd- with Palisa and the parties and drugs and alcohol.

Desperation kicked in when I felt like I was on top of the world. I was entranced of being the leader of the pack where people recognize me everywhere I went. It was exhilarating. It made me feel like I was someone important and not someone whose life can be traded off for her own mom's addiction. To prove myself more, Helmet- Lisa was dragged into my mess.

Then that desperation stayed. It became a part of Jennie Kim, of who she is. Of how she survives. It stayed with me during law school up to now, where I'm desperate to earn Lisa's forgiveness.

I opened my eyes again and the same damned cursor was still blinking, taunting me to press send and let my cousin decide if I was dying and need of immediate medical attention... or I was just being a drama queen. I could imagine her face, the sheer panic of what could have happened to me. With her mouth hang agape and whole body frozen in shock or in confusion, it would've been amazing to see her running to our house and find out that I wasn't there. Then she'd storm off here and kill me herself.

It would've been fun- But my right thumb seemed to have a mind of its own as it started to press the back key a couple of times. I watched as every letter I typed disappeared until none of it was left.

Blank. The message's now gone and the app is clean of any trace of my despair.

Yet, the anxious feeling remains.

My legs started to bounce up and down and I worry my lip between my teeth. It's back. The weird contractions in my chest is back and I saw that I've been like this for a couple of minutes already after I glanced at my watch. As in thirty minutes or worrying and trying to control my nerves while Lisa is gone.

If she'd walk inside and see me right now, she'd probably think I need my fix of whatever drug I have been taking or I've been ingesting caffeine for days like it's water. And I won't even doubt it if that's the case with how my bad my jitters are for the past days.