Not Your Average Nerd (BxB)

Chapter 20

Samuel's pov

I don't exactly know how to explain my feelings. There were so many of them swimming through me and I couldn't catch site of any of them. Not one.

Although there was one thing I did knew for sure, I was unsettled. I didn't want to be scared, being scared meant that I was weak.

So, I'm unsettled.

Sean was trying his best to cheer me up, I knew that. But I couldn't help the feeling of being dragged down. I wanted so desperately to slide into the slumps of despair and regret. 

I knew that I shouldn't and that I wouldn't get any better if I settled into self loathing and hate. But I wanted to so badly.

I couldn't seem to wrap my head around the fact that just the sight of it can make a person and all there progress turn to dust. Like it never happened. Like I wasn't even trying this whole time.

It made me sad but most of all it made me angry. It made me want to let out all my rage until there was nothing left. I wanted so badly to hurt it to the point where there would be nothing left when I was done. I wanted to take everything from it the same way it almost took everything from me.

But I knew I couldn't. If I did, then where would that leave me?

In the same place I was before. Fighting off depression and almost collapsing into myself. Drowning myself into school work to try and block off the reality of it. Hiding and lying to the people that care for me.

It would leave me no where. But nowhere felt like somewhere. It was tempting and I wanted to be nowhere. To become no one. So that I didn't have to feel this way. So that I didn't have to scared. So that I didn't have to pretend that I was unsettled when in all reality I was scared. Scared, angry, hurt.

I was doing well. So so well. And now it's like I'm back where I started.

It really is crazy how one person can have so much power over you. To the point where you question  your life, and others too.

———

I had faked my excitement when Sean offered to get me food. I knew he noticed my shift in mood and that he was trying to make me feel better.

That was all that mattered to me in the end. The fact alone that he tried. Although his attempt was futile I couldn't just act like a jerk. So I had faked my happiness and ordered us both some food.

As we sat and ate in silence I couldn't deny the fact that everyday Sean made an indent in my heart. It didn't matter that he was quiet and only showed basic emotions when needed, he was great.

I found myself liking Sean more and more as the days went on. He was kind and listened whenever I talked and rambled. He laughed and mocked me at my embarrassing moments. He even actually worked with me on the project instead of making me do all the work. He was everything I never expected him to be.

It made me feel bad now because I put him in a situation where I'm not even fully here. I mindlessly ate and stared at the kitchen stove, while I felt him tense next to me.

I felt his uneasiness and I knew he wanted to say something. To figure out what was wrong and why I wasn't talking. Why I wasn't being all bright and happy. Being annoying and yapping away about absolutely nothing.

In the end, what can I say?

Feeling my stomach knot I push away my food and lean back in my seat. At this Sean looks over to me and sighs out tiredly.