𝐎𝐰𝐧𝐞𝐫

15:belonging

𝐂𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐀 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐓𝐓

Once I stopped seeking to belong, I accepted that I didn't belong to anyone that in a way that made me feel secure and loved. When I agreed to let him have me as his, I gave him power and power always corrupts. But I had the courage to simply be myself and tell myself that I owe myself some type of belonging that I longed for.

I found it hard to sleep last night, mostly because I was up thinking of him.

There were certain nights were I fall asleep only after being awake for longer than I could recall. It was the kind of sleep deprivation that was painful. I'd sleep for not very long and then awake as if I was breathing for the first time, as if my body was deprived of oxygen. I'd assumed that you couldn't die from a lack of sleep and I ruled out the choice of medication. As it turns out, you can.

The only way out of the endless worry is a complete and realistic recognition of what is stressing me out so very much. But I have always ran from my problems rather than face them. Despite knowing they are chasing up with me closer everyday, I still push them away.

I was currently sat in a lecture, not paying as much attention as I should be considering I had an essay coming up. The room echoed the loud voice of my lecturer, making me wince every now and again. My eyes were drooping and I was only 5 minutes into my lecture, they felt like they weighed more than I did.

I couldn't work tonight.

There was no way, I needed sleep. So I picked up my phone and went to texts to message Christian that I couldn't come into work tonight. I had changed his name to pumpkin in my phone, I thought it was cute but I wasn't so sure he was fond of it as much.

I put my phone back down after texting him and faced back up to my lecture, my eyes widened when I saw the amount of writing that had been added to the board.

I began to scribble down as much as I could, my glasses occasionally falling down my face. I had my hair up in a messy bun, my glasses on and no make up on. I was in beige sweatpant shorts and a brown crop top with sage green converse shoes. I had a zip up hoodie with me but I hadn't used it yet. I topped it off with my tote bag that I shoved all my stuff in and jewellery.

It was a surprisingly nice day and I was stuck inside.

I peeked back at my phone as I saw a notification pop up. I laid my notepad in my lap and grabbed my phone.

'Where are you' why was that important right now?

'Uni' I messaged back and rolled my eyes as I put my phone back down.

- - - - -

The door of the room opened, waking me up a bit, and I saw looked over to it, out of nosiness. I saw a figure walk in and looked closer, god I was so tired. I saw the figure closer and saw Christian. What the fuck. How did he know what classroom to come to?

He was looking as hot as ever. Literally both hots, it was boiling and he had a suit on and of course he was hot, good looking hot. He had a white shirt with navy blue suit pants, no blazer.

"Can I help you" my lecturer asked him and he stopped glancing around the room, in hope he hope find me.

I felt a sickness form in my stomach and felt my cheeks go a light red out of embarrassment. I felt a heat spread across my body, not a good one, one that made me think something bad was about to happen.

In a hurry, I began to get my stuff together, throwing everything in my bag as quiet as I could be. I was delayed by how tired I was, making me go slower than usual. The last thing I wanted was a scene.