𝐎𝐰𝐧𝐞𝐫

22:home sweet home

𝐂𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐀 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐓𝐓

Tw: mentions of self harm

I woke up hours ago. It's 9:26am. I've been laying in bed for exactly 2hours and 53minutes.

I've been thinking about all the things I could say to cancel on my mum but every single idea comes with more questions. A part of me would feel too guilty lying to her and another part of me wants to lie to her face to get what I want.

I didn't want Christian to meet my mum. I didn't want my mum to meet Christian.

The time has been going by so slow, I feel like I've been laying here for ages. The house was quiet, my room was quiet. There was a small sliver of sunlight shining through the curtains.

I should probably have a get ready. If I wanted to get to Rome I best leave early. But I don't want to.

The thought of seeing that house again made me sick to my stomach. But it was inevitable. I needed to man up, it was only a house. The house my dad raped me in. I thought about if my room had changed, if she had got rid of all my things.

I dragged myself out of bed and headed for the bathroom. I leaned on the counter, looking at myself in the mirror.

My eyes were red. I had dark circles under my eyes. My face was too chubby. My nose wasn't small enough. My lips were chapped.

I ran a hand down my face, letting out a breath. I rummaged through my small essentials pouch that I had brought in here with me and found what I was looking for. I popped one pill too many because today I would need it. I ran the tap and cupped some water in my hand. I pit the pills on my tongue and wondered if a day would come where I wouldn't have to reply on anxiety pills to get me through the day.

It was a miracle I only needed anxiety pills.

I looked at myself again in the mirror and forced a smile, immediately feeling stupid after. I looked down to my wrist, your over that. There almost looked unseeable. I feel like if you didn't know they were there in the first place, you wouldn't be able to see them.

I ran a finger up my scars, my faded scars.

It had been years since I let a blade touch my skin. And that's what kept me from letting it happen again. Years. Years of hard work and determination that I couldn't let go to waste. Not now.

I shook the thoughts off and unzipped my makeup bag. I got out the essentials and began to do my make. Concealer under the eyes and corners of my nose. Couture on my jawline and nose. A-little blush around my cheeks. Mascara through my lashes. Gloss on my lips. Eyebrow gel in my brows. That should do.

As I was walking back into the bedroom, I remembered I had no clothed except the ones I had already wore. Could this day get anymore shitty. I was still in Christians oversized top and panties.

I slipped on some shorts that I still had in my bag from the shorts I wore at Uni on Wednesday. I had been with Christian since Wednesday. It was Friday. I wondered how Jay was doing, I'll call him later.

I walked towards the bedroom door and opened it. The corridor was quiet, empty. I walked down the corridor, towards the stairs. Maybe he was already downstairs.

I made my way downstairs and no sight of Christian yet. I didn't know the house very well yet but just went where my legs took me. I walked into a kitchen and, no Christian. There was a coffee making out so I walked over to it. I placed my hand on it and it was hot, Christian must have already got up.