Lighting The Fuse

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July 31, 2022

I pull my phone from my pocket as I climb up the familiar steps, hurrying down a hall in search of a very specific door. I need to do this or I just might lose my mind. Please tell me he can help me. Kill me now if he can't.

My phone rings for a second before Zoe answers, "Hey Kaily, I was just about to call and ask if we were still meeting up."

"Uh, yeah... bout that, Zo," I say in a rush, hearing that I sound as shaky as I feel. "I can't do it today. Can you just do me a favour? Please?"

"Oh... Yeah of course, anything!" She says, her concern practically pouring through the speaker of my phone.

"Can you drop by Mr. Hughes' and tell him I said hello? I wanted to visit, but I need to get out of here, tell him I'll drop by next time or... something," I mutter out, feeling like a coward.

There's silence for a minute and then a soft, sad sigh.

"Kai... I can't do that," She whispers.

"'Course you can, just-"

"Mr.Hughes died of a heart attack two years ago," She tells me, sounding like she's regretting every word that escapes her lips.

I don't even reply, I simply can't. My thumb hit the red button to disconnect the call and I very nearly run into Erik's office. My chest rising and falling unevenly as I attempt to breathe like a sane human being not about to lose his ever loving mind. The second his eyes fall on me, his face becomes serious and he knows I'm here for more than just a hello.

"Kai. Why don't you take a seat, you look unwell," he says gently, nodding towards the little sofa.

I nod shakily and drop down onto it, bending over to put my head between my knees to breathe and calm myself. My body shakes and I am filled with so much confusion and anger that I just want to scream. Far too much has happened this week and I just can't take it anymore, I need to get away. I need to pretend none of this happened.

"Talk to me, Kai."

I take a deep breath and for some reason a bitter scoff escapes me before I speak, "Where should I start, Erik? Should I begin with 'oh I finally reunited with my long lost lover.' Or maybe, 'my only real father figure is dead and I didn't even know.' Or perhaps, 'How dare Jace act like he wants me back and then show off his lovely new boyfriend in front of me.' Or wait, here's the kicker, 'How fucking dare he kiss me when I try to walk away from him, from the mess we are going to make if we keep fucking pushing... whatever this is.' Where should I start, Erik?"

His eyes widen slightly, but then he just exhales as he processes what I've said, "Start with Mr.Hughes. I heard of his passing. How do you feel right now?"

"Like a shit person for not knowing. For ignoring yet another loved one until it's too late to say goodbye. Do you know how much it hurts, to keep losing everyone and never getting to tell them your last goodbyes and I love you's? It hurts, it hurts a lot and I loved that old man. He's looked after me since I was just a kid, and now he's gone and what do I give him in return? Nothing," I say, feeling a lump rise in my throat.

Erik frowns and nods, "Sometimes, you don't need to say anything or give them anything back, Kai. You're a complicated person when it comes to showing your emotions, we've spoken of this. If he knew you for so long, he knew that you were truly thankful. He spoke to me once, during the time you were gone, and he only had wonderful things to say. He loved you like a son, and he wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this. He understood why you left... we all did."

I sigh and look away, not wanting his 'understanding' of things. I know why I left. It was because I was a coward and needed to escape Jace. I wasn't strong enough to be where all I could see is memories of us. Memories of him.

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