Fate (Boyxboy)

Losing Grip

       August 6, 2022

Hands on hips. Fingers in hair. Feet touch. Lips meet. Breaths mingle. Moans blend. Pulses race. Lungs ache. Blood turns hot. Chills down spine. Fear gone. Memories seep in. Love enters. Minds ignored. Hearts followed.

I fly up in bed, gasping for air, feeling around aimlessly in search for the lamp. My breathing becoming erratic as I find myself lost in the dark. Flashes from my dream haunting me, making my panic worse. Where am I? Where is he? What is happening? A pathetic whimper leaves my lips and as my heart beat increases and the feeling of suffocation in the dark silence worsens, a scream builds up in my throat, only to be released moments later.

My bedroom door flies open and the light flooding in and illuminating my bedroom allows for my heart to be put at ease ever so slightly as Charlie rushes in and switches on my bed side lamp. "Kai!? What's going on? Are you okay?"

The thing is, the dream wasn't horrible. It was amazing in every sense of the word. The horrible part, was it could never be reality. My heart aches at that thought as I choke on a sob, emotions slightly erratic in my exhausted and panicked state. "No. No, I'm not."

He doesn't ask for an explanation, because he doesn't need one. I'm grateful, because I don't think I have the strength to really explain how not okay I am. How much I've crumbled in the week I've spent away from Jace. How my composure is slowly cracking and how the depressed eighteen year old me I thought I'd buried long ago is slowly scratching at the surface. Ready to pull me back under into a place I never wish to be again.

The next morning, I'm practically dragging my exhausted body up the stairs to work. Why on earth did the elevator have to break down today of all days? Life is just testing my patience. First my coffee maker busted and I had to leave early to go to Starbucks. Then a passing bus splashed me, getting my black jeans soaked. Now... this.

Entering the building, Seth regards me for a mere second before handing me his hardly touched coffee, "I think you'll need the double dose of caffeine today. Not sleeping well still?"

I shake my head and walk past him. It may be rude to brush him off like that, but I'm just really not in any mood to speak to anyone about anything. He understands that, which is why I know he won't be totally offended. Charlie was the same. After failing at making small talk over breakfast, he had just given me a sad smile and left me to my morning routine alone.

It's times like this that make me want to just take a walk down the street to the local bar.

With a sigh I walk into the radio booth and prepare myself like I always do before every show. We go live in five minutes and I listen to B rant from the other room about how if I ever leave her with Seth again she will castrate me. My, she's a lovely gal isn't she?

As the 'ON AIR' light flicks on, my radio persona comes to life and before I know it, I'm speaking with a liveliness I didn't know I had in me this morning, "Good morning, London! I'm Kai Harkins and you are listening to BBC Radio 1."

I go through the normal spiel, talking about daily drama going on in the city, playing a few songs. Talking to a celebrity guest who to be quite honest I don't even know and keep forgetting their name. By the time it's the time to take callers, I feel myself growing exhausted.

"Now it's time to take some calls. Caller one, you are on the air. What's your question?" I ask, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Hi Kai! My question is; How do you tell your friend that she needs to spend less time with her new boyfriend and a bit more time with her friends?"

I smile, "If I were you, I'd just sit your friend down some time and tell her that as happy as you are for her and her new found relationship, you would like for her to still make time for her friends, because no matter who comes into her life, as great as they may be, friends will be more important because they are the ones who will always be there for you."