Fate (Boyxboy)

Between The Trees [Part Three]

August 25, 2022

I don't know where I'm going, and I don't entirely mind. All I care is that I'm moving forward. Not once have I glanced in that rear-view mirror, fearing I'll cave in and go back. I can't, not yet.

My anger has long gone by now; replaced with a hollow, aching pain radiating in my chest. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling other than painful and it's hard to breathe. I feel lost and my shaking hands on the steering wheel are proof I'm starting to break down, slowly losing my resolve to hate... That man. My eyes of all things somehow remain dry for once.

On either side of me I see trees blurring by as I speed down the country back roads. Not another vehicle in sight as I slowly press my foot a little harder on the acceleration. For once, the distance as I run like a mutt with it's tail between it's, isn't relenting. Instead, I feel the invisible ropes tying me to what I yearn to leave behind tighten.

"Would you mind joining me for coffee?" "I'm Jace. Jace Levett." "I don't want you to kill yourself. Why? You don't deserve to die. You don't even know me. I want to." "I promise I'll take care of you." "I would never hurt you, I swear." "You're worth more than you think, Kai. I really wish you could see that." "-shut up, you're perfect." "Kai, I want you and only you." "To be honest, I don't think there's anyone quite like you." "I promise I'll do my best to make your dream come true. I'll make you happy." "The only person who I have room in my heart for these days is you, Kailas Harkins." "Of all the things I planned to do, leaving you would never be one of them." "I'd do anything if it meant being with you, Kai." "Don't waste your life on me."

A scream rips from my throat, my eyes squeezing shut trying desperately to shut out the memories of the sweet nothings a Jace I once knew spoke. Words said because of blind, naive love. Promises made by someone with no intent to keep them. Stop. Stop. Stop! I can't handle this--just stop! Please, get out of my head!

My eyes open in time to see I've drifted into the wrong lane and a pair of headlights are shining a little too close for comfort. Panic hitting me, I swerve around them just in time, hardly hearing them curse at me as I quickly slow and pull my car over to the shoulder of the dirt road. I waste little time throwing open my door and running for the ditch as I drop to my hands and knees, throwing up what little content was in my stomach. Fear shoots through me, making my breathing escalate as I fall back and sit against the side of my hunk of junk car.

What the hell am I doing!? I could have died.

I lean my head back, taking in deep gulps of air, trying to calm myself, but my adrenaline won't fade and my heart won't slow, and it isn't due to fear this time. My hand slowly reaches up and rubs gently over my chest as the first tear falls.

"I did though. I tried so hard, Jace. No one can say I didn't try, but I just couldn't forget you. This heart refused to let you go," I whisper, gripping at the flesh where a heart beat so furious pounds. "Why am I the only one trapped? Why can't I just let you go? Why won't you love me like you used to? Jace... I want you back. I want us."

I must sound like a loon speaking to myself in the almost darkness, with nothing but the tall, looming trees to hear my pathetic pleas for a love lost long ago. I don't need him, I don't need anyone. I've proved this to myself. I don't live well without him, but dammit I still walk on and breathe and survive. I can live without him, I just don't want to anymore. I'm so sick of this existence. I am sick of being just Kai. I want Kai and Jace. I want to wake up and see his face. I want to cook dinner and have him tell me how lovely it tastes. I want him to be there to greet me when I get home from work, with that familiar crooked grin I adore. I want him to hold me, and kiss me, and tell me he loves me and only me, again. I want back what we had. We shouldn't have lost what we were, I did nothing to deserve having that taken from me and dammit why should I have to sit here now and watch as I slowly lose Jace to someone as cruel and vile as Jasper!?