Xavier had a criminal record as colourful as the bruises on his face. He had built a less-than impressive reputation for himself from fights and drug misuse to rape allegations. The townsfolk knew to stay clear of him and his family. Including kind...
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The sting of the hot shower water hitting against my back made me hiss. I had inhumane claw marks starting at my shoulder blades travelling down to my butt caused by making 'Lesley from Texas' cum three times last night.
Something about her deep southern accent sounded in-genuine to me, like she wasn't actually from Texas. She kept dropping her geographical location to me randomly. "My daddy got me a truck from Carltons shop, in Texas" or "This pie tastes like the ones you get at a little diner back home, in Texas" I guesswhat really tipped it off to me was when she shouted "yeehaw" each time she came. I don't care though, I'm not half the things I tell them I am, I just want the money.
As I reached out to grab my towel I stopped to stare at my trembling hand. Right. Cocaine. I clenched and unclenched my fingers trying to stop it from shaking but I think that just made the tremors worse.
Two nights ago I promised the sheriff he wouldn't regret his decision and for some reason I've been subconsciously trying to uphold that promise. I wanted to please the sheriff, the thought was sickening. After fighting Harley I was masked with a Lilia high.
It's what I call those types of highs, they're rare but they do happen. It's the feeling of complete euphoria when she looks at me a certain way. Like my system is alive with this magical buzzy feeling and in that moment I could run a marathon or climb to the top of a mountain and scream with happiness. It's like taking drugs, only better.
Fighting Harley made her look at me like I was a hero. Her eyes glossed with relieved tears, her lips slightly parted with shock and it was a thankful moment where I quite clearly eliminated her fear.
And it soared me. It soared me enough to make me believe in myself so I came home and flushed away my beak. Now I've returned back to earth and wholly regret that decision.
"Second day without drugs Sav, you can do this. We just gotta get through the first week and then things will get easier. Stay busy."
I quickly got dry and dressed, trying not to think of the white power, it's taste or the feeling of it glooping down the back of my throat. I opened up the escorting app and arranged a breakfast date with someone who didn't want anything beyond the date. I could fit it in before school, earn an easy five hundred and then get on with my day.
I drummed my fingers on the table in Alessos, the place smelt like bacon and toast. My skin itched with irritability, the sounds of cutlery chiming against porcelain all around me pissed me off, the sounds of laughter from morning people pissed me off, the way the wooden chair curved around my back pissed me off. I wanted cocaine.
I wanted to feel the clay-like texture on my finger right before I rubbed it over my gums. I wanted my mouth to tingle before turning numb. I wanted my anxiety, anger and sadness to switch off like a light switch had been flicked within me.
"Hi, Xavier?" I stood to my feet and threw on a professional smile. She was younger than my usual clients. Probably not too far from my own age and actually quite pretty.
Over our breakfast date I learnt she's a college student, sick of looking for Mr Right in all of the wrong places. Her quest to find love had started to make her believe she was the problem and any fool could see she needed a confidence boost. She was cute, shy and sweet but I couldn't focus on her.
I needed drugs.
"Are you okay?" She asked, noting the inability to keep my body still.
"Yeah." I answered bluntly, no explanation given. Jesus, focus Sav. She tucked her strawberry-blonde hair behind her ear and nibbled on her lower lip shyly. Lilia did that.
I wonder what she's wearing today, those little dance outfits don't leave much to the imagination but every other day she dresses in normal clothes. Her body is immaculate and sometimes I worry she's not taking care of herself because of how small her waist is, or how flat her stomach sits. I tell my warped mind it's because she's a dancer, but how much effort and exercise can dancing actually take?
"So, Lilia." Her eyes widened, alerting me to the name slip up. I tried to correct myself but I forgot her name. I was ballsing this whole thing up. I cleared my throat.
"My name is Amber." I nodded.
"I know, Lilia is a term of endearment used in Italy. It means beautiful flower, like a Lilly." I held my breath waiting to see if she bought into my bullshit. Then her eyebrows raised and she smiled.
"Oh." She replied softly.
"It suits you. You're a beautiful woman who doesn't need to find love in order to be happy. When you love yourself, you'll shine so brightly people would've to be blind not to notice you. I had a wonderful breakfast with you, you're interesting and intelligent, easy conversation. You're gonna make some man real lucky one day but you gotta stop looking. Let him come to you, make him work for it." I kissed her on the cheek and set a few dollar notes down on the table to pay for breakfast then I grabbed my jacket and left.
My mind instantly told me to call my dealer, hook myself up with some cocaine just to see me through. I wouldn't take it but I would keep it in my pocket as a blanket of safety to fall back on if I needed it.
The wind broke through my black denim jacket and broke me out in a cold sweat. I tugged the collar higher trying to shield my face. My head pounded like I had the drummer from some rock band trapped inside it.
But I closed my eyes and pictured her smile. I imagined her dad and how I wanted him to like me, though deep down that was an impossible task with our history and my wrap sheet.
Who am I kidding?
If I bought the drugs now I would take them before I even left the end of the street. I would get to school strung out and probably end up bleeding in the middle of class again, in front of her. Fuck it.
I shoved my hands in my jeans pocket to stop them from shaking and headed in the direction of school, already regretting my decision to fight this withdrawal.
The school hallways hummed with idiots. The mass of people parted to create a path for me to walk through. Every day was the same, I heard my name on the lips of others as I walked past them but not a single person would come speak with my directly.
I was hypersensitive today, the banging of lockers closing penetrated through my eardrums like a power-drill. The whispers combine with strange looks sent my paranoia sky high. My heart palpated, not in a good way and I felt clammy and shaky everywhere. School and withdrawal was not a good mix for me.
I took myself to the roof. The need for cocaine in my system was getting too strong to fight now. I could feel every vein in my body craving it, sending phantom shooting pains through my skin. I knew they couldn't really exist but I felt them anyway because I couldn't live, breathe and function without drugs in my system.
I pulled out a nicotine stick, praying it took the edge off my addiction. I think calling my dealer to meet me at school is hitting a new low. I looked up towards the sky and thought about Lilia.
I wish I could be more like the other guys at school. Instead I'm awkward and antisocial. I don't know how to talk to people because people don't talk to me. I mean sure, I date a stranger a few times a week but that's different. The conversation there is mechanical and robotic, my mind is trained on what to say, how to act. My words are minimal, polite, professional. The narrative is fake and reserved.
I can't be that way with real people. I can't be that way with Lilia.
"Um... hi." A small voice spoke, breaking through my train of thoughts.
