We Cannot Be

●○ Chapter 28 ○●

As I began to drive away, I realized I was subconsciously driving, to the only place I could go.

And soon enough I ended up there. I pushed my heels off leaving them in the car. And walked over the grass, feeling it beneath my feet, but not being able to see due to the darkness. Even though it was dark, I knew which way to walk, after all id been walking down this same path for the last 10 years.

Soon enough, I came before the grave stone, where my father laid, in what I hoped was a peaceful sleep.

I sat down and began to ponder on how things could have been different, maybe if my papa was still to be alive. I would have had a different fate.

Well of course I would have, he would have never wanted be to know, far for be involved in this mafia.

A tear slid down my cheek as I realized I was living a life my father did not wish, but what other choice could I possibly have picked, who would have carried on his legacy, carry on his name.

I ran my fingers over my fathers name, engraved on the grave stone and then turned my head to look at the empty space of where my mothers grave would have been, that is if they would have at least found a body.

To this day, my mother was never found, only to be pronounced dead. I wiped my eye as yet another tear fell from my eyes, I began to speak,

“I wish you were still here papa, I don’t know what to do.”

Anger began to fill my veins, as I realised how pathetic I really looked. If papa was here he would have wanted to be strong.

I wiped my tears and then slapped myself. Get it to fucking together.

I winced at the pain I had inflicted upon myself and then began brushing my knuckles with the edge of the grave stone.

I had to get myself together, I only had myself. What was wrong with me. Who the fuck am I? I can’t let myself forget, forget the one reason I am living.

To avenge my papas death by killing that mother fucker. I wouldn’t allow myself a weak moment like this ever again.

I knew this cycle, I’d seen it happen to many. The way the sins would catch up to them, how they would almost let it swallow them whole. Letting them distract themselves from their priorities.

I am not that weak and will never ever be that girl. Ever.

I said goodbye to papa and made my way back to my car. At this point my feet were ruined with mud and my jeans were all muddy.

I sat in the car and began to aimlessly drive, not knowing where to now go.

I parked upon the top center of the city and looked down. I turned to find a bottle on my side and took a swing at it letting, the staining liquid go down my throat.

It burned but I loved it and soon after, I felt everything begin to slow. My breathing, my thoughts, suddenly it all began to feel better. The voice in the back of my head that was eating away, was no silenced and I felt free.

I stood at the edge of the cliff as the rain started to fall, leaving me drenched. I looked down and saw the city, the way it looked, shimmering with lights coming from the houses. I put my hand out, reeaching forward.

Wanting to be able to be free, like one of those. To live a normal life. To not worry about whether I would make it to see the next day. As I reached out further, I felt my foot slip and slowly I began to loose my footing. At the edge of the cliff, I was hanging.

Hanging on for my all so dear life. Slowly, I pulled myself up and took a deep breath, well that was close but I had certainly been closer.

This time I decided to sit, and the rain grew stronger, almost smashing on my face. I loved it, it felt as if it was washing my sins away and sure enough it was, the blood of the fuckers before was almost completely gone.

But of course the stains on my blouse were not going to leave so easily. I took another swing of my drink and began to walk back to my car, for I was getting tired.

I lied in the car seat and decided I wasn’t going to let my night end so quickly, and if I did I knew what it would bring. Those dreams.

I shook the thought away not wanting to let my mind wander into that place.

I closed my eyes for a second and began to wonder where I could go and then I remembered, the one place I felt like I could really belong.