𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐖𝐞 𝐖𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐔𝐬

Part 10 ~ Lost

Michael's Point Of View ~

I smile as I look at Anika. She is gorgeous, just like I remember her to always be. The sound of her voice, the way her hair sits around her face . . loose waves towards the end of her brunette locks. Her personality seeming to have remained the same. Anika is fun, playful . . she is silly. We both have that in common. That is what I always loved about her. She doesn't take things to heart, she knows how to joke around. 

Only being serious when the situation calls for it. 

I watch as Anika walks in front of me. She turns back to look at me here and there. As the sun shines down on her, it makes her smile even more stunning. Her eyes much more green . . her skin completely glowing. 

Wow. She runs away from me. I call out her name but she doesn't stop . . she doesn't turn around to me. Her legs continue to take her away. 

"Come on, Michael . . " I hear her call out. 

I giggle to myself as my walk as now become a scamper. She is still in my sights. She turns around, her arm raised well above her head as her fingers motion for me, calling me over. I follow her, my breathing escalating with each step to cope with my sudden and consistent increased speed. I suddenly feel something unstable underneath my feet causing me to look down. I see sand. I look up, hearing the sound of crashing waves. Anika . . oh, there she is. I walk down to her. Her back is facing me as she looks out towards the ocean, towards the horizon. I stand behind her. 

"Anika? . . " I say her name. 

She speaks a few seconds after that. However, she doesn't look at me. 

"Michael, I'm sorry . . " She says. 

Anika turns around this time, looking at me straight in the eyes. I feel the mood change. I feel Anika has changed and I don't know why she has. I don't understand. What is she sorry for? Her smile has left now as the bubbles in her personality have popped. What is it? What is Anika going to say? 

"I have to leave again. I need to go . . " She says. 

My room lights up as it brings with it a huge bang, making me jump slightly. The patter of rain begins to come . . getting heavy each second. I am laying on my back in bed. My eyes open but all there is, is darkness all around me. I let out a groan as I send my hand out into the unknown beside me as I try to find my phone that is placed on my bedside table. 

It reads 4am. 

My hands fall onto my face, rubbing my eyes. Shit. Oh no. Not again. I thought they were gone now. I'm having those dreams again. They first started once I found out that Anika had left town all those years ago and to finally stop only a few months ago but . . they are back. With Anika back in town again, seeing her at work that night . . my mind has been completely messed up. I hate this. I don't want this. I sit up in bed, my hands never leaving my face. I hear the jiggle of Odie's collar . . he's awake too. 

"It's okay Odie. It's only a storm, alright buddy? . . " I tell him softly. 

I hear his little cries. He isn't the bravest when it comes to storms. He is so afraid of them. He always has been. But I know that, I'm used to it. He will cry until I let him on my bed. I give in not too long later. 

"Come on up, Odie . . " I tell him. 

He is on my bed in a matter of seconds. Laying himself down right next to me. I keep thinking back to today, when I spoke to mother. She wants me to speak to Anika. But I don't know if I can do that. 

I'm still upset. 

I'm angry. 

I have not forgotten, any of it. 

How I wish I could. But I can't. I don't know if I can face it all. Not yet . . not ever? I don't know. I am confused. So many emotions that most people wouldn't be able to ignore. They are far too strong. I don't know anything about Anika's life. Who she may be now. I want to know all of this but when I see her, I won't know what to say to her. I don't know if I should have anything to do with Anika. I'm a peaceful person, yes but I don't know if she deserves it. Anika really hurt me. I'm scared. What happens if I go and speak to her . . and then she leaves again. That is what I'm most worried about. I don't want to get hurt . . 

. . not again. 

I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through that again. The many sleepless nights, the constant thinking of someone who didn't seem to even care. Do I risk it? Is it worth it? What should I do? I am so torn. I want to see her again, to speak to her properly but I don't want her to suddenly leave again. What if she does? Leaving me to then pick up the pieces. I feel Anika is only visiting her grandmother, not staying long at all. But I don't know that for sure. I might completely miss my chance. A chance that I have been waiting for, wishing for but so much of me knowing that I may never get. To ask her . . why. To get closure and maybe then I'll be at peace. When I saw her, I wanted to hug her. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her. But I have a heart that broke because of her. I love her but I'm so fucking mad. The flashes of lightning continue, so does Odie's cries. I place my hand on his side, gently patting him to calm him down. The last 10 years have been tough, traveling through waves of grief. But if we are blessed enough, a lighthouse will appear to navigate and guide us. Is that what this is? Is that why Anika has been brought back into my life? Telling me it's safe to go to her. 

Ugh, I am so lost. 

I'll look at her and feel nothing but sadness. I'll say to her thank you for breaking me as only a lover can wound so deep. But I feel like speaking to her will also bring so many amazing memories back while seeing her will me bring joy . . complete and utter contentment. 

I don't know. 

I am lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know what it all means. I feel my heart beating at a normal pace, calming myself down. I just need to trust myself. Whatever decision I make, I need to believe that it's the right choice. I can't be scared, I can't be mad. Well, I need to try. I just hate these demons. They are everywhere I feel. 

They are out in the world. 

They are in my mind. Where is it safe? 

Anika is overtaking me. Making me smile but then those questions start to fill my head, not again. 

to be continued.